Lori,
I cant explain the overwhelming joy and yet inevitable(sp) sadness I felt as I read your final Installment. I am trully THRILLED to see that you have come to the relization that no matter how torn-up, ripped-apart, and emotionally shattered we can become by the hands of others.Or when dreams that we have Invested so much Into. Precious time...Cautious care...hard work...sacrifice...every ounce of our beliefs Instilled Into what we think God has Intended for us...to have It all swept away In the blink of an eye...Like a small growing tree uprooted.. by an unexpected hurricane...without warning or reason. That no matter how much damage as been done to our physce(sp)...our hearts...and OUR FAITH. Eventually... we all need to get back In touch with each other... and Most Importantly with GOD.

While I have sat back and slowly watched (and read) you partake In that process... one SMALL...BABY...STEP at a time. I have silently CHEERED you on the whole way. Oh sure...I have chimed In here and there with my small bits encouragements when I felt they were appropriate(sp).
My only Intent for those small bits of heartfelt advice...was that somehow they would reinforce to you that there Is always hope... or how should I put it.....something special...within God and within you. That blogging Is and ALWAYS was meant to be a tool. A tool to help you rediscover your trust and faith In others...But most Importantly... In the Lord.

From the first time I read your blog... I could tell right away... that the words that I just wrote.. you knew to be true within your heart and soul. That someday the storm clouds that surrounded your mind and haunted your dreams would eventually clear to reveal a bright new day for you to enjoy with the beneifts of full nights rest. That the cage that kept this wonderful heart locked away.. would someday be lifted and you would be able touch the lives and souls of those who live and breath around you. Not just us who walked with you every step of the way from behind a computer screen and keyboard.

I also knew that for you...Living In a bubble could not last forever and one day that bubble would burst and be gone. And all those Dragons that have caused you so much pain and fear...the ones you have been battling for what seems an neverending eternity(sp)...The ones that constantly circled your kingdom...the kingdom you strive to reach everyday....the Kingdom that Is and will ALWAYS be your home...would disappear like fireflys at the end of a hot and humid summer.

I believe that this new adventure for Bi-Polar ( no disrespect Intended) Is not a " Second Chance" so-to-speak...But more of an continuation of what God has Intended for you all along. I also believe that God puts us all through our own trials and tribulations... but that only the truly special people ever come to realize them and appreciate them for what they are and what they were meant to be. You Lori...are one of those special people. For all of these things that I have mentioned...I am truly happy for you and rejoyce with you... even as I type these words right now.

The only thing that saddens me about your rediscovery... Is that I feel like Im losing another close and special friend... that God has placed along the Road of adventures for " Charlie Brown". Its not that I think that this Is the end of the road for our friendship. I look foward to hearing about all the joy and exciement you will experince on this new path God has placed before you. Its just that all my life..Throughout all my heartaches and sorrows...my own trials and tribulations...there has always been certain people who have played a role...In me keeping my HOPE...FAITH....and my SANITY.
No matter how big or small that role may have been...those few chosen friends hold a special place within my heart. I have lost connection with a lot of those folks and have never been given the opportunity to express my utmost thanks and gratitude. You my friend... are one of those people !!

So I will say this to you now...before Its too late...THANK YOU for all your support and kind words of encouragement. Thank You for taking the time to befriend a troubled soul...who had the chance to say first... what Im sure a lot of others felt regarding your blog... when you thought of shutting It down the first time*. Thank You for being the voice for all of us who were lost...confused...angry..torn-up...and ripped apart Inside. Because while we were walking with you on your journey to healing....some of us found that healing within ourselves.

Good-Bye Bi-polar Girl. I wish for you on your new journey... lots of success...lots of laughs....Lots of Love..and most Importantly..A universal elevator key....So you NEVER have to take the STAIRS again..Peace and Hair Grease...Your Friend ALWAYS..Chris (Charlie Brown)

First off let me start by saying to those who read my little blog here...sorry for the ENORMOUS..delay between my posts on this site. School has recently kicked Into another gear even I never dreamed existed....Lab assignments..Lab workbooks...Chapter workbooks..quizes...tests..and ofcourse midterms and finals.....throw In the accellerated Pharmocolgy class....add that all togther with my my ADD medication not kicking In yet....And you get the Human eqivuallent of A Chicken running around with Its head cut-off. Its actually distrurbing and quite funny all at the same time. Its like the car wreck you don't want to see...but can't quite stop yourself from watching. With that being said...I will do my best to catch you all up on what old Charlie has been up to lately.

I guess the most obvious place to start Is school. Like the afore mentioned...School has really been crazy  recently. With the majority of my time being devoted to my Procedures class. This Is the class with three workbooks..Lab assignments...Lab time..Performance evaluations...quizes and exams. With all the Juggling Im doing lately I think I have found a backup carrer option as  the next HIGH-WIRE act for Barnum and Bailey Circus....And as always I never seem to be working with a net. For some strange reason though...this seems to be my best class. You would think that with all the assignments that need to be organized I would be struggling to keep my head above water. Maybe Its because I know that I need to really stay on top of things with this class otherwise I need CPR to save my grade.

I had a recent scare with one of my classes and another anxiety attack due to that scare. I almost thought I was going to FAIL my Pharmocolgy class.Thank GOD for my therapy and my never say die atitude when it comes to school. Not only did I FAIL my midterm but my overall grade was boderline failing as well.This ofcourse set off a MAJOR anxiety attack..probably a 10 on the Disaster scale..but with my therapy and alot of extra hard work I was able to get things on track and finish the class with a 92% . Not too shabby for a prematurely-Balding,  Blockhead, whos dog has more study partners than he does.

This leads me Into my next area of anxiety...Class elections.....Oh I how I have dreaded that this day would come. Let first say that I realize that I am only one of three men In my program of 40. Secondly I also realize that I am not the most popular student In my class either. This second part I just don't get...I'm an Intelligent, attractive, well groomed, friendly student who Is willing to help anyone In need...If the opportunity arises. But most Importantly...Im married and harmless. I never talk poorly about anyone...Although there are a few students I would to "DUCT-TAPE" their mouths shut while our lectures are going on....but I have bitten my tongue and continue to pass HOME-DEPOT for the time being. The nerve of some of these Jack-@#$%...talking and yapping It up...while others struggle to focus on the lecture and assignments at hand without their outside Interference to boot.

Back to the elections...So with that being said...I decided not to throw my name In the hat so to speak. I guess I already figured that no liked me...So why  go and do something stupid that would prove It. I can't even Imagine the amount of damage that anxiety attack would have on my already fragile phsyce. Some how unbeknownst to me...I got nominated for president..and If I ever find out which GENIUS decided that was a good Idea or a good way to get a laugh...their face Is gonna be gracing the back of Milk Cartons across the country. Needless to say I did'nt get elected for the presidentcy..I was expecting that one...what I did'nt expect..was that our program Director thought It would be fun to add further humilation to the losing canidates by keeping their names on the ballot for V.P. and for Sect. So not only did I lose an election I never Intended on running for In the first place..I also found out the hard way just how unpopular I was In my class. As much as I try to tell myself " @#@$#%%^ those @#$%%" who needs their friendship anyway..or that " I did'nt get Into this program to make friends" anyways to comfort myself. Seeing each round of voting end In a BIG FAT ZERO next to my name and not being able to do anything to stop the Insanity really hurts. Im right though In one aspect...I did'nt get Into this program to make friends and I don't need the friendship of some whinny, spolied, livin at home, not a care In the world, brats anyways. What really hurts was that I thought that I had their respect atleast.

My therapy has been going great as of late....Dr. Boardwalk and I have really made alot of progress as of late. He has been a major help In providing other tools besides meds to help In the my battle with ADD. Figuring out other ways to manage time that are not too complex or anal. Which Is really another problem within Itself for me. For some reason or another I have a subconcious flare for the DRAMATIC. Thee " All Or Nothing " attitude. Im not sure yet If this Is subconcious or If this Is something that Is a motivating factor for me. Considering my past and the circumstances as of late I would'nt be surprised to find that It Is the latter. The more I think about It..The more It becomes clear to me that It Is difficult to go from losing everything  and fighting the odds to succeed all the time..and not feel some sort of high from that experince. I'll have to check with Dr. Boardwalk On that one.

Lastly...the last week has been great..due to SPRING BREAK !!! I dont think there has ever been a time In my life where I sat around and scratched my !@##$$ more. Although I have been working on refinishing my bathroom. Something my Landlord was supposed to take care of....but I got tired of shit falling from the celing In the shower on to my head. So I paid my Nephews Dad to help me fix It....By the way..did I mention that he Is a master painter...and that his hourly rate Is coming out of the next 2 months rent....LOL....If my landlord only had a clue..he would ahve saved himself a few thousands dollars. And just Incase he not too happy about that..I have before and after PICTURES to prove the horrendous mess that was my bathroom. I guess sometimes It doesn't pay to be a SLUMLORD...oh well maybe he learn the lesson and treat his next tenants better. Well thats about It for me tonite....My medication Is begining to make me loopy...

Peace And Hair Grease....

~Charlie

 

for me tonite

After looking over my recent messages pertaining to my last post. I guess I kinda left you all a bit confused as to what my next move would be regarding my future with therapy and Dr. Boardwalk. I will try now to clear up all the hazziness and fog surrounding that Issue. I was feeling confused as to the benefit Iwas recieveing from my sessions of therapy. I knew that I was making strides forward In my life sinceI started attending those wonderfull meetings. My only concern was that I felt like the strides I was making, were strides I would have made on my own.....Eventually.

I have never, In all my life, lacked In the drive or determination department when It came to my will to succeed. I have always made strides...now that I think about It. Forward or back, side to side, left to right, etc..etc..etc..Movement has been my middle name not matter which direction you wish to speak of. Just take a look at my resume and you will know what I mean. All though you may have to clear up a year out of your life to read It all. Im not kidding.... ''The Dead Sea Scrolls'' Is a short story when compared to my resume. If I remember correctly.... I worked as a carpenter's apprentice under this guy named Noah...Until he started hearing these voices and had this crazy Idea about buliding an Arc for this wicked thunderstorm that was on the horizon. Ok...I emblished a little...But you get my drift.

So back to what I was saying...Drive, determination, and the pursuit of happiness has never been my problem. What I am finally starting to discover Is that my problem...although I dont like to admit It...does not lie In making making strides forward. My problem Is finishing. There I said It.... This post Is finished and Im going to bed.....Ok so Im not actually going to bed.....but this Is a touchy subject for me.. that has many twists and turns and I fear that just one post on this subject will not give It It's full credit as to why and how I got to this point In the first place. So I will try with all my might to make this post as short and to the point as possible.

I have now and have always had a problem with finishing what I started. From job to job, trade to trade, and one carrer opportunity to the next. Instead of focusing on why so many missed opportunities have either slipped through my fingertips or fallen through cracks. I have always focused on moving on, Forwards or backwards, It did not matter to me. As long as there was movement. I had grown up this way all my life. From one household to the next, trying to find that silver lining everyone kept telling me about. It's difficult to examine the clouds above you though, when your stuck In the never ending  '' Downpour '' That Is your every day life.

Instead of taking the time, to take a step back, and really examining why this pattern was becoming a staple In my life. I would just blow these missed opportunities off and deflect the blame on everyone and every circumstance I could get my hands on. It was easy. At that point In time In my life I could start a job on Monday, quit on Tuesday, and be collecting  a paycheck from my next employer on Friday. I was a young, Clean-cut, Intelligent, and charasmatic kid, Who knew what to say and when to say It. My Interviewing skills at the time were top notch. While most people would get anxious, nervous, or just downright sick dreading that '' Hour of scrunity ''. I on the other hand was as cool as a cucumber...What does It mean to be '' As Cool As A Cucumber '' anyway...I absolutely lived for that hour. I didn't have to worry about a wife or a family, I only had to worry about selling me.

So what does all this have to do with my therapy ?? This Is what I think.... Although I have for years... Failed miserablly at making the transition from that young , Intelligent , clean-cut kid stuck doing a never ending '' River Dance '' to a mature and stable adult. It never dawned on me that all the circumstance and misfortune was not generated by unforgiving fate. But was In fact, generated by my lack of guidance and my Inabillity to take all of those misguided strides, the ones to the left or to the right, to the front and to the back, put them In a straight line, and make a sprint towards the finish line.

 That...My friends...Is the benefit of my therapy. Im sure that the undiagnosed A.D.D. had some role to play In all my misguided steps along the way. How much ?? I'm not sure at this point. However at this time I refuse to assign some sort unreliable percentage to It. I fear In doing so will somehow diminsh all the progress that I have made In accepting mine and my parents accountabillity In my development. Circumstance what a @#$$%^ excuse of a word. I have decided to remove '' Circumstance '' from my vocabulary and replace It with accountabillity. Finally....after all these years.... and all the misdirection.... learning how to cross the finish line. It FEELS GREAT !!!  Maybe with some more help from Dr. Boardwalk not only will I cross the finish line.......But finally cross GO and collect my 200 dollars....GOOD GRIEF !!!

Well...Its another friday night and here I sit with my head burried In my books trying to prepare for another round of quizes and exams. Although I know that through sacrifice and hard work I will become the respected and knowledeable therapist I aspire to be....But somehow I feel that I am missing out on something. Maybe Its the Inner party animal In side that just won't let me focus without reminding me how I miss hanging out and knocking back a few Molsens with the guys. Oh well small sacrifce to make when considering the reward....and I am finding myself thinking of the reward all the time.

In my last post I discussed the Issues I am having with my therapy. I know that It may sound silly but I still can't help but feel that alot of the success I am recieveing from my sessions would have been attained on my own. As much as I would like to discusses this topic with my wife, that source of advice Is a closed outlet due to the fact that she Is really pushing me to up my sessions with Dr. Boardwalk. So I am forced to bore everyone with my continuing thoughts on this subject. I have had an endlesss amount of time to mull this over In my head ( due to the reoccuring sleepless nights as of late ) the Beneifits of my therapy. I have also seemed to come to a conclusion on my next step towards Inner healing and mental homeostasis.

I am starting to strongly believe that all the new changes In my charcter, my determination and focus, and the newly found greater sense of self-confidence. Is due largely In part, of finally understanding what It takes to be successful and knowing the hard work that Is required In getting me there.The smaller portion ( Although small...Its critical ) of this new found growth,  Is finally admitting to myself,  That although I have acknowledged the fact that I was'nt given the guidance and structure to function as a responsible adult. It's ADMITTING that those factors have had a major Impact and Hinderance on my journey to get there. 

I will use this analogy(sp) to help you better understand my wraped thought process on this topic. For years I have had, I believe, the right amount of motivation and drive that Is required In chasing the ''American dream''...MY American dream...Only to find a dead end at the end of every twisting and turning road I found myself travelling down. Every door that I thought I could open with a postive attitude and a willingness to learn was always locked... Leaving me no other option but to Bang my head repeatedly until someone answered. Unfortunately for me...The lights were on but no one was home.

Now....my thereapy has given to me the road map for every street, In every city, so I never find myself going 70mph down the wrong way of a one way street again. It has given me a set of universal keys that will open any door I chose to walk through. And last but not least...A hard hat just Incase I have to knock down a few doors along the way.

So In closing tonite...That Is if your still with me... I am truely starting to see the benefit In my sessions with Dr. Boardwalk. I have finally come to the understanding that I need to address those Impacts and hinderances. So that one day I will be able to soften their blow.....Good Grief !!!

 

Well... another therapy session with Dr. Boardwalk has come and gone. Although I feel that these sessions have given me a greater Insight as to who I am and how I got there. I just feel like All the Anti-depressants and ADHD medication In the world cant help me shake the feeling that were not getting to the core of my Issues and only just scratching the surface.

Don't get me wrong...Dr. Boardwalk has helped me work through and discover things that I probably would have never realized about myself without are sessions. He has, In just a short period of time, helped me discover my problem with ADHD. Something I am quite sure I would have never figurerd out on my own. He has helped Imensely In regards to me and my wife and the Issues that were threatening certain marrital doom. I give this man all the credit and respect In the world when it comes to these subjects.

There is only ONE  problem with all of that.....Im not sure If all this miraculous change within me Is due to our therapy or If It Is due to eventual, yet certain, maturation. This Is where the subject of my therapy and my continuation of It gets alittle hazy. My mind and my subconscious are at war this very Instant about this topic. My clear and  ''thoughful'' mind Is continously reminding me of all the good that has come out of these sessions of understanding and Insight into the ''What'' and the ''WHO'' the man Charlie Brown Is today.

At the same time though, my ''Inter Tution'' ( clever huh ) Is screaming at the top of my lungs that these changes were eventually bound to happen and that Is was only a matter of time and the right circumstances ( theres that damn word again ) for this process to take place. Now I know that this sounds somewhat PYSCHOTIC, that something Inside my cerebrum has snapped...blown a fuse...or maybe the power has been turned off and my SHUTOFF notice from DTE got lost In the mail. Bear with me If you will and I will try to explain this as best as I can.

My whole life I always knew, one way or another, that I would be behind the rest of the pack due to family conditions growing up. Thats not to say that I blame all my problems...or any for that matter on my family and there ''Manson esqe'' way of dealing with life and how to survive In It. I JUST KNEW that If I ever wanted to get ahead In this '' Dog eat Dog '' world that we live In today...I would have to take matters Into my own hands. I knew that tools to having a successful and stable life in my future could not be found In our run down tool shed out In the backyard.I also knew...Unfortunately....That the direction and guidance of a loving mother or father, were lost to my sister and I minutes after our births.

All though I knew that all these odds were against me as started to make my way Into adulthood...I also knew that I was'nt going to accecpt them. During my short life...I have tried my DAMNDEST to put myself Into a better place then the one I left so many years ago. I have pushed myself to my limted limits...only to fail time and time again. Some would say, the cause of that failure can easily be traced to back to my family, how and what they tauhgt me growing up. ''College Is for rich people'' or '' A factory job that has a Union Is what you need to do'' my uncle would try to hammer Into my skull over and over again. Thankfully for me something Inside of me would not accecpt that ( maybe that Inter Tution I spoke of earlier ). I felt that I could do something special with my life. I was just never showed how to accomplish It.

I will admit though, that the lack of guidance In this arena has slowed this progression down quite a bit. I wil also admitt to the fact I have just plain SCREWED some opportunities up along the way. I had allowed myself to fall victim to uncontrollable circumstance. I compare It winning a championship In sports. You have to take your bumps and brusies along the way...but once you get close to your goal...your dream if you will...so close that you can taste it. You will do and risk anything to accomplish that dream. I firmly believe that without this process champions would never be crowned.

So what does all this JIBERISH have to do with my doubts of therapy you scream ?? Well I think It has alot to do with It. You see...I was so close to accomplishing stabilty In my future with Radiology school that I could tatse It. I hads finally found the field that I thought I do some wonderful things In. Then to have It RIPPED away unfairly over some Inner department B@#$ was the worse...Yet BEST thing that could have happened to me. It made me take a long hard look at my charcter...and you know what ? I did'nt like what I saw. I did'nt like the feeling that I did'nt do enough to make that dream mine

So when faced with that same set of circumstances last year...the choice of sacrificing my dream for saving my marriage ( or so I thought ). I did'nt allow doubt and circumstance to make that decison for me. I fought tooth and nail to to get to where I am today...still In school...stil chasing that dream....and quite frankly ...running away with it with ease. That challenge at the end of last year also helped me realized that there was alot of work to be done, If I wanted to be the man, that was never around for me while I was growing up. A man who Is respected at work and at home. A loving father and husband. A man whom has the '' On -Star '' of life at fingertips so his children never get lost In the pack.

So now I ask of you...the readers of this '' EPIC '' post....what do you think ?? I honestly believe that It Is a combination of both. I now know what It feels like to be successfull In achieveing your goals...But I also know that the scars of misguidance and self doubt run deep. I have never experinced this type of self confidence before In my life. I have to say that It feels GREAT. I also know that If I wish to continue on this path I need to trow away the '' Back-Scratcher ''  and start digging deep....Because Only through self belief, self love, and Inner peace can great things be achieved....And I was INTENDED for great things.....we all were....Good Grief...