I'ts funn what a little sleep...and I MEAN  little..and 24 hours can do for you.I can only compare my moods within the last 24 hours to Michigan weather. Wait five minutes and it will change.I am too excited to write this blog tonite..I actually have goosebumps as I type.

As I shut off my computer last night, I was feeling like all hope was lost regarding my situation with school and my wife.I felt as though I had been defeated in my attempt to remain in the PROGRAM.When I awoke this morning, I had to fight with myself just to get out of bed.Those bad voices we all hear in our times of struggle, were still haunting me as I slammed my fist on the snooze button for the last time.Even as I made my to the shower,the voices repeatedly screamed in my ear ' Why are we doing this' and ' it does'nt matter if you go to class anymore' .

Then suddenly a smaller voice started to ask "How bad do you want it".As I started to answer that question the voice continued to grow and grow until I felt as if I was engaged in a screaming match with my Uncle from when I was in high school.Then out of nowhere, something changed within me and cleared the voices and demons away. I started to feel more determined about making it to class today, no matter how tired I was.

When I got to school,my program director pulled me aside to see how I was doing and to offer some encouragement towards finishing the semester.My program director ACTUALLY how it would be a shame for me not to finish and how the profession would be losing a Great therapist.I almost choked on my bagel. I could'nt believe it !! If you knew her personality and her strictly by the book,unemotional approach to educating, you would have inhaled your coffee too.

As we talked more about the situation she informed how the other instructors had voiced their concern about losing me as a student and leader in the classroom.Me a leader in the classroom !! One more comment like that and I would have needed the HIEMLACH maneuver for sure.For some strange reason my instuctor informed me that so many classmates had failed their performance evaluations that a new eval was needed.

Then that small screaming voice from this morning began screaming again." Hey you dolt, ask if you can reschedule yours too". I had previously missed this evaluation due to my new job and the circustances that created it.So I listened to that little drill sargent in my head and followed orders.To my surprise I was given the green light.

Then the light bulb finally turned on.Lets push the envelope a little more.Why not switch to the morning class.What have you got to lose other than that  " F" you've already submitted to?Unforunately for me there are no morning classes for the lecture class. DAMN!! Once again my own personal drill instructor screamed at me " reschedule the remainder of your tests for the morning Pig Vomit". So I asked and once again recieved the green light.

My only problem now was to figure out a way to get the notes.Enter Rhonda.Rhonda is a friend who willing offered to not only provide notes but to tape the lectures as well. By this time not only was I choking on my coffee but my gratatude as well.I started to feel as if I still had a fighting chance to finish all my classes this semester and not put my self into financial aide default.

Then as if sent by God, My Physiochemistry instructor showed up with potential good news. He pulled me aside and informed me that his employer would have an opening soon and wanted to know if I might be interested? WOULD I BE INTERESTED??? I would give my left arm for a chance to get back into a hospital setting.Now the pieces were starting to fall into place regarding what I needed to do. Ace my remaining exams while continuing to work at the District and pray the lord rewards my hard work with a job at the hospital.

If all these pieces somehow could fall into place.I can contitnue to stay in school, work at the hospital, and tell the District to shove their brooms straight up their ASSES.What JOY AND Rapture to have hope.Wait  a minute...I still have'nt informed my wife of my high risk plan.

To my disappointment my wife did not sound to pleased.She was highly skeptical of my abillity to work full time and try to complete all of my classes.Not to mention her relief regarding our finances since I took this job and dedcided to put school on hold. Here I am telling her that I've changed my mind.What a selfish A-HOLE I am to put me first.How could I do this to her?

The only person being selfish was her and you had better believe I pointed that out.After going back and fourth with her.Having her hang up on me several times.She called me back unexpectedly and told me that she supported  and loved me no matter what.I love my wife but I can't make her happy if I am miserable all the time and I think that she realized that too.

So heres to not going down without a fight.I have done that too many times in my short but long life.Thank god for those little drill instructors inside us all that push us to achieve our dreams and maybe a little self satisfaction along the way.I can only now pray that God will grant me the strength to be strong and to remain this determined until this semester is finished.A little sleep along the way would be great to.....Good Grief

I think that today, to my recollection, has been and still is, as I type these words,  one of THEE worst battles with my depression I've ever had to deal with. Anger, fustration, and hopelessness are just a few of the emotions that I have had the pleasure of dealing with today.The last time I felt like this ( and not to ALARM anyone) I checked into a local motel with a 12- pack of MOLSEN, a bottle full of pills, and the intent to to ask GOD personally, why he MUST find joy in making my life miserable.

As you all know, that is if you have been reading, I swallowed those pills, finished that 12- pack, and said Hail Mary's in the dark, tears streaming down my face, until I fell asleep.To my amazment, I awoke the next morning with a little cotton mouth and a whole lot hope that  the ALMIGHTY was not making my misery his personal form of entertainment. That God surely had a plan for me and that there was a light at the end of the tunnel.My own little pot of happiness and fufillment at the bottom of the rainbow.That all I had to do was rededicate myself to my faith and to my goals, and I would be able to accomplish anything.God gives to those who help themselves....Right?

After five long years of hard work, determination, and focusing on the postive. I ask of you and myself, what has really changed ? Have I really accomplished anything ? I have tried everything to improve my life to no avail. I have attempted to provide for myself and my family by getting either my foot in the door of the workplace or in the classroom. Only to have it slammed in my face.Stubbing my toe and my conviction in the process.Everything once again seems to be spining out of my control and towards disaster.

The few designated friends and family, that I chose to share my struggles with, seem to have differing opinons on the subject.Some chose to remind me that there are alot of people out there who are truely suffering.That I should be thankful that God has blessed me with a supportive and understanding wife.A stable and respectful job to fall back on while others are forced to call MARVIN or even worse by reling on the kindness of others to feed their families.

Then there others who would offer more drastic advice.Don't give up your education no matter WHAT the cost.Put your dreams and aspirations ahead of your wife's inability to deal with the stress of providing for your family now, while you are doing what it takes to provide for It's future.They say to me that my wife knew the situation and agreed to it when you were married.That it is unfair of her to ask me to give up my dreams and hopes so that she can sleep alittle better at night.

These conflicting sources of advice play a part in my depression and anxiety regarding this situation.I am sure of that.To what degree,That I am unsure of.So many times in my life, I have walked away from dreams and aspirations, feeling that I did'nt fight hard enough or that I simply gave up when the hurdles got too high.The pharse " No Matter If You Win Or Lose..I'ts How You Play The Game That Counts" comes to mind.In my humble opinon. whoever said that was right.

I have seen what bitterness over mistakes, missed opportunities, and making the wrong choices in life can do to a man firsthand.How all the hatred for yourself can bulid up and eat away at every ounce of self confidence and selfworth you may have once had.Leaving you to blame everyone and anyone, inculding the Lord, for your current situation.That is my FATHER in a nutshell.Too afraid to look in the mirror and accecpt responsibillity for his actions because of all the hurt, shame, and pain that goes along in doing so.

I swore a long time ago to NEVER end up like that.I even began to resent him for that. I would avoid spending time with him in attempt to prevent myself from falling into that viscious cycle.I swore to myself, that I would do whatever it took, to never return to that dark and lonely hotel room.To a place where all hope in the future is lost and nothing remains but bitterness over past failures.

But here I am this evening, fustrated and depressd, with the wind knocked out of sails once again.Only this time there is more than myself to think of.When I think of my wife though, no matter how hard I try, I find myself becoming angry and resentful towards her.For her lack of emotional stabilty and mental toughness to get through these rough times without crumbling like a Chips A Hoy cookie.

I know that I am wrong in this regard.These illogical emotions of resent and anger scare the living hell out of me.Hopefully this can be worked out with my therapist.I can not express the amount of fustration and the sense of utter helplessness that I am feeling right now.To think that I have done everything possible to accomplish my goal of hearing my name called and walking across the stage at graduation.Only to have the proverbeal "football" pulled away again so soon.

I hope that this is just one of those days and that tomorrow will breathe new hope.That my will to explore every avenue and possibilty, no matter how small,will stay in my mind and close to my heart.That this budding bitternes and resent for my wife will give way to the IMENSE love and respect that I have for her.That I will continue to leave that hotel room behind me one step and day at a time.

I guess it's time to break out that ROSARY once again.Ask for strength, forgiveness, and the will to believe, when there seems to be nothing to believe in. Just not tonight....My faith is on E.....Good Grief !!

 

 

 

 

 

Last night, I was looking foward to sharing the good news, my day, and a little bit of my life history before all of those painful,yet wonderful memories of who we are and how we got there fade slowly to black. So eager to write and please the masses without even realizing it.

I started this blog about a month ago. I was only hoping to excerise the demons that lurk within and only come out at night to deprive you of a good nights sleep. The more I blogged, The more I started to peer into others personal and private lives that they so willingly share with us every day without remorse or justification.

One blog in particular caught my attention. I won't say which one out of respect for that author. This one blog in particular though, gave me an opportunity I NEVER had as a child...A front seat in the life of someone dealing with an " Issue " That eventually took the life of someone who was very dear and close to me.

At first, I was schocked that someone with this sort of disorder was sharing the always difficult and emotionally draining events of their every day life. I found myself at first, not knowing how to react to this GOD given opportunity in front of me. The more I read, The more saddness filled my heart. Not from pitty for the person leaving their soul on these pages for every one to read, But for myself for not trying to understand at a younger age what excatly this close relative of mine was going through.

After my Aunt took her life I was so bitter and angry. I literally wanted to dig her up and scream at her 'How could you do this to me ?". "How could you leave me here to deal with all of this bull shit on my own ? ". When I realized that would never happen I started to question God. I started to doubt my faith. How could a loving God do such a thing ??

What I never took the time to realize is that It was never about ME !!. How could I have been such a fool. How could I have kept all that hurt, gulit, and anguish bulit up inside of me. Most Importantly, How could I blame the one person who was always there for me when I needed her most.

I'ts sad that it took the struggles of a complete stranger's life to help me understand that I had been missing the point all along.

Just when everything came into focus...The light went out. Someone had forced the lens out of the mangnifing glass I had been using to heal a deep wound that I thought I would never completly close.

I'ts a shame to think that something so soothing and therapuetic to me could ever become a source of fear and humiliation. I can't fathom the hurt and resentment my HERO must feel knowing every time they attempt to lick their wounds...Some one is there waiting to pounce and open a gash.. modern medicine could never fix.

Like the old saying goes...Let he without sin cast the first stone....or something to that effect. To those who are so willing to judge the traumas and hardships of others I say...You are no CHRISTIAN, CATHOLIC, or whatever it is you CLAIM to be.

I will not allow the critics of this site to stop my healing process. Because in the end...This time it is about me.

Like another old saying goes...The pen is mighter than the sword. So before you delight in the pain and suffering of others, take a long look in the MIRROR...and realize the effect of all of your cold and harsh words are creating. Take a second and ask yourself....What would JESUS do ??.......GOOD GRIEF

I just can't contain myself today. I am so relievied to have a plan moving foward with our marriage. That I can finally get back today trying to work out the demons within.

Today I will talk a bit about my old man. He stopped by last night, unannouced as usual, and for one reason or the other, the conversation always seems to center around him moving in with me and my wife. I don't understand why he has this farfetched notion that my wife and I are supposed to provide for his future.

I dont know if it's because for the better pert of his and my adult life, we have all lived under one big happy disfunctional roof. I have lived on my own for good amounts of my life after school. But there he is, no matter who I live with or where, He is always there asking to move in.

I try not to get upset with him. I know that life has been especially creul and hard on him since his release form prison. He is a hard working, loyal, and honest man at this point in his life. For whaterver reason, whenever it seems that he lands a job with the hope for some sort of stability for him...The owners take advantage of his situation and his is soon out of work again.

I understand it is not my responsibility to care for my father. But I can't help feeling that I shold be doing everything possible to help him. At this point there is nothing really I can do for him but to spend time with him and show him just how much I care.

I just wish I could push a button sometimes and the days old would be back again. The days where the entire family got together and shared in the holiday spirt...even if it only lasted an hour. Then the fighting begins...It starts with verbal assults and cussing..then the kids are urshed outside to play all while the intensity goes up and punches begin to flY.

Some of my favorite memories inculde these altercations between my father and uncle. I dont know if its the comedy of seeing those two take turns knocking each other down the steps on the back porch. Or if maybe the fact that all of us were still together no matter how disfunctional or how many domestic violence laws are broken.

So this thanksgiving, when you're with your families, and they're passing around the insults and pumkin pie. Have a double shot of the eggnog, bite your tongue, and remember that our families, no matter how screwed up there are, are all that we have to get us through this maze of pitfalls we call life. So stuff your face with grandmas " GREEN JELLO " and be thankfull that you have family and friends to spend the holidays with because lord knows the're are so many of us who don't.....GOOD GRIEF

Well I have finally made a decision regarding my future with school and work. I have decided to put a stop on school and resereve my status in the program. It Is probablly the most difficult decison I have had to make in my not so long life.

Although I am disappointed in ahving to put my education off again. I could'nt see the point In struggling ahead risking my marriage in the process. Besides what would be the point of having my degree and my carrer if I did'nt have my " Little Red Haried Girl" there to enjoy it with me.

My only task now, Is to be sure that we are able to save 60% of what I make every month and to get as much Information on educational loans and scholarships as possible. This way we are in a postive position when Istart up again next fall.

Oh well...Atleast I will have the drop on all the other students come next fall. I am sure I will look like a regular " Albert Einstien" when it comes to the material next year. How could you not with another 10 months to study the material already given.

I am really glad this part of the process is over. I can finally get into the Christmas spirt again. There is nothing more that I love than drinking eggnog and singing christmas carrols. I think that It's defintately time to put up the tree, put on some Bing Croby, and watch Nationals Lampoons Christmas Vacation until my DVD player breaks. GOOD GRIEF !!!!!!!!1