Well Christmas has come and gone and I am proud to say that there were no calls to 911, no front porch Royal Rumbles, and my family enjoyed a nice turkey dinner Instead of making me look like a turkey In front of my In-laws for once. I have to apologize for not posting In so long. I am estatic to say that I have been busy preparing for the next semester in Respiratory therapy and now working at one of the local hospitals In the very field that I am striving to make my carreer In.

I feel like a kid In a candy store who hasn't eaten a thing In a month. I can to any of the feelings of joy that have taken over my soul. I owe all of this to hard work, prayer, and to those of you ( and you know who you are) that have sent me private e-mails and messages with nothing but kind and encouraging words for me and my wife In these troubled times.

With that being said...I must say that for the first time since joining this site I am seriously considering shutting down my blog. It's very difficult to explain how this thought process began In my mind. When I first started to blog the only thing I was looking to get out of this was an outlet for me to express my everyday life and to start an everyday journal of memories that I did not want to forget or even worse...Lose forever.

Then one day I happened across a particular blog that changed everything for me on how I viewed this site. No disrespect to anyone who choses to share their everyday life and struggles with the rest of us. But this certain blog gave me an opporutunity I never thought I would have again. It touched me and healed some old wounds that I thought would be bleeding forever.The more I got to know and respect this person, the more I wanted to be able to do that for someone else If I could. I know that I can never be as graceful with my words or be able to express the outright fear and lack of hope that someone feels when dealing with deppression as well as this person has for me. What I do know Is that although my blog may never reach the "featured List" like the truly talented writers who desereve to be there. My blog might just reach one person and that would have been a special gift that I could cherish for a long time to come.

Keeping that hope In my mind, I started to post trumatic messages about my past and how they have limted my growth as an adult and Individual. What great way to make therapuetic strides for myself and hopefully express hope and conection to someone who may have felt out of place. Then things changed. My struggles with my wife and how It was affecting me and everything I was working so hard to accomplish began to take center stage on my blog. The more that things had gotten worse for us, the more messages I would post regarding my uncertain marriage.

My wife and I agreed to see my therapist for beginers marriage counseling. I had only seen my therapist for a few sessions and obvisiously needed more time to work through the demons that haunted me and myself estem for years. At this point however, I ws not afforded that luxurey. I was, and still am today, convinced that my marriage was about to end. So I half-heartedly agreded to that decison. It's not that I was'nt willing to work on my marriage with my wife. I love my wife dearly and will be completely destroyed If our efforts are not successful. I just knew Inside that this would be a forum for my wife to attack me and my charcter until there was not an Inch of either left.

After all the emotional beatings within those painful hours, I discovered something. My wife was right !! About one thing atleast. No matter how hard I had previously tried to accomplish goals I had set for myself I had always fallen short to circumstance. It was always one thing or another that affected why I had not achieved.....Not ME. So after hearing my wife shout these things over and over and over again I decided not to ever let that happen to me again. I was gonna fail.... I was going down swinging and kicking. Thats when The thoughts of shutting down my blog started.

Due to my new found determination I was successful In achieveing my goal of educational success this semester. After all that happened and all the obstacles that were set In my way from others. I was still standing. I can not also explain the pure joy and happiness within my soul even now as I type these words to you that I feel for doing what It took to achieve when all the odds were against me.

You see thats what I Initally wanted to write about. Overcomming your self doubt and not letting outside factors or Influences steer you astray. That Is how I was hoping to connect with others. Not by crying on everyones shoulders about my relationship with my wife for sympathy. That Is not the type of man I am. Please do not MISUNDERSTAND what I am trying to express. I am gratefull for all of your prayers and your kind words. I am humbled to recieve them from strangers who are now more like family, then my family who are now more like strangers.

You see, It was then and Is now, your gifts of grace to me that have helped kept me focused and determined. For that I will always be grateful. What scares me though, Is that my marriage relationship has gotten worse In ways I cant even explain to myself. How does your wife look you In your eyes and tell you she does not have faith In you ? How does your wife lokk at you and say she Is tired of being at a different level and unsure of  your journey together ahead. Now she Is telling me that she loves me dearly and Is trying to be encouraging towards me. Well that Is easy now when I have no doubtlly proven myself alittle.

You see now I am unsure about my journey with her. And at this point I am just not willing to discuss that on this site. It Is not what I had In mind when I made the decison to try to reach that one person. To try and return the gift that had been so gratiously given to me. I cant do that and disscuss the situation with my wife at the same time.

So as of now, I am not sure just how long old Charlie will be In the nieghborhood. I am just thankfull for those people who were kind to me and my wife. To those people who truly understood how I felt then amd now. Most Importantly.....To the one person who gave so much without knowing. And when she did know.....GAVE EVEN MORE WITHOUT EXPECTING ANYTHING BUT HAPPINESS FOR ME AND MY WIFE IN RETURN.

THANK YOU.................cb

P.S. It makes my heart laugh and my soul smile to read your posts. I hope you continue to ride on your ELEVATOR of happiness.....May you never take the stairs again. 

While browsing through some of the blogs I like to visit.I happened to come across a blog, with a story about Christmas, that not only would have made the writers at National Lampoons piss their pants, It also reminded me of my NUTTY family as well. Although It made me laugh, It also reminded that Christmas Is coming no matter what happens with school and my wife. So In honor of the Christmas Spirt.I thought I would share a funny story form Christmas Past regarding me and my family. No awards or recognition. Just plain old fashioned fun that I hope you will enjoy. MERRY CHRISTMAS everyone...

I took my nephew and niece to the mall the other day to see Santa. My sister Is having a hard time recently and I thought that I would do something nice for her and the kids. I have been so wrapped up In school and the problems with my marriage lately, I have'nt really spent the time I usually like to with them. So I thought this would be a golden opportunity to make up for It. I picked up the kids early In an attempt to avoid the traffic, the long lines, and my road rage that usually spills over from the car Into the mall.We listened to the local "Christmas 24/7" channel on the radio. We sang Joy to the World, Here Comes Santa Claus, and all that jazz. All In all, It was a fun trip that I hope I will remember for a long time to come.

On the way home from the North Pole my nephew asked me a question I thought I would'nt hear until I had kids of my own. Uncle Chris Is Santa Claus real ? I could'nt believe It. Just ten minutes ago he was frimly perched on Santas knees now he wanted me to break them. My nephew Is now 12 and I guess he Is at that age where kids In school start to question everything. I avoided the question the best I could till I could hand the kids off to my sister. On the way home from her house, I started to think about the first time I questioned Santas exsistance.

Picture It....Michigan...Christmas time...1984. What a great year !! We had won the state Cub Scout softball championship, the Tigers won the World Series, and I had learned to ride my back with no hands without a trip to the E.R. for a brooken nose and stiches. I was ten at the time. The year before had been hard on my family and we hardly got anything for Christmas. Feeling that Santa had SCREWED us  over last year. I made It a point to be as good as I possibly could. Right before class let out for Christmas break. I was talking to a friend of mine about how there was no way that Santa could possibly screw us again this year. When one of the older kids on the bus coldly told me there was no Santa Claus. I was crushed and confused to say the least. Me and Santa were tight. I left him milk and cookies and he left me presents. How could this be ? We had just seen him and Rudolph at the mall last week !! His sliegh was being towed as we left for double parking In a handicapped zone !! No Elves...No Workshop....No Mrs. Claus...No Frosty...No List..What the hell Is going on!!

I wanted Answers !! As all kids do at that age, I asked the only person I felt had all the answers...My 13 year old cousin Ron. I Idolized him. I folowed him around everywhere. He was like the older brother I wanted so badly but never had. The first chance I had, leading up to Christmas, I asked him the question that had me so distraught, that not even snow up to our waists could make me feel better. Ron, Santas real right ? He started to laugh. You still believe in Santa Claus ?? Yes I screamed at him defiantly with tears starting roll down my checks. He just laughed even harder. There aint no Santa Claus he said now seeming to enjoy crushing my Innocence. Yes there Is.. I screamed back, now In complete emotional meltdown. 

How do you think some FAT GUY in a red suit, who plays with elves, and drives a sliegh of FLYING reindeer, can make It to every house around the world In one night ?? Its Impossible.Oh yeah... then who brings the presents, who drinks the milk and eats the cookies, and who the hell Is that FAT guy at the mall ?? Your Dad buys your presents, The fat guy Is an employee, and I ate your cookies last year. No Santa I said. NO SANTA CLAUS he said as he put me Into a headlock and kicked me out of his room. At that moment It hit me. No wonder we always got less than the other kids at school or nothing at all no matter how bad or good we were.

That week leading up to Christmas I was moping around the house and obvisouly upset about something. My Dad finally asked me what was wrong. There Is no Santa Claus I told Him. Santa Is just a big fat lie I said as I continued to stare at the breakfast I wasn't eating. So, Who told you that ? Ron told me everything I said, as I got up from the table and went to my room. My Dad then decided to try and fix the situation. We were all going to my Aunts house that year on christmas Eve. Where we would have the usual family Christmas dinner and exchange gifts.

My Dad, In all his Infinte wisdom, had arranged for our cousin Roy to come to the house and play Santa Claus. He was to dress for the part and hand out gifts to everyone. Everyone except for my cousin Ron, who was to recieve a Lump of coal for his particapation In this mess.There was only one small problem with his plan...Cousin Roy was a RAGING alcholic. Although Roy liked to enjoy a drink or 2, or 3, or 4 around the holidays. There was no reason to believe he could'nt handle the task at hand.Christmas Eve finally arrived and we packed up and headed to my cousin Rons for the festivities.

Everything was going surprisingly well for one of oue family get-togethers. No arguments, no brooken dishes, and no threats to call the police. All was good. Somewhere In between the end of Its A Wonderful Life and my second piece of pumkin pie. I heard jingle bells outside the picture window In the living room. All the younger kids Imediately went Into a fit of Christmas Euphoria, While I sat motionless determined not to be fooled again. When the door bell rang and the HO HO HOES rang with them, I found It extremley difficult to control my excitement. The next thing I knew Santa was at the door with a HUGE bag of presents for everyone.

Upon closer look though, there was something definately different about this Santa. He kinda wobbled when he walked, needed help from the door jam to stand, and slurred his words while calling out the names on the presents. I took a quick look outside to check for Rudolph and his sliegh. Not there. Nothing but a beat up Chevy pick-up that seemd to have cliped the mail box on the way up the drive. Then my name was called. I walked slowly over to Santa and took a seat on the knee I had grown to love and trust over my ten years of life.

Before I could sit down comfortably, I suddenly noticed something. Santa's eye's were bloodshot and he reeked of alchol. I started to think to myself, Santa's suppossed to smell like Hot Chocolate and cookies not Jack and Coke.Then I realized, someone Is trying to pull a fast one on me. Then I started to tug on Santa's beard with all my might and screaming at the top of my lungs " This Isn't Santa Claus....This Is cousin Roy " The more and more my family tried to pull me off this Imposter Santa.The more I held on for dear life. I did'nt realize that, I could have tied that beard around the trailer hitch on that Chevy outside and not accomplish anything. Roy's beard was real and the only thing I was actually accomplishing was pissing him off.

When I was finally pulled off of Roy, I looked up to see my Dad connect with a right hook that sent Roy to the ground In a clatter.After they were seperated, Roy stumbled and fumbled his way out the house, back to his Union bulit sliegh, and out of sight In a flash. In the end, I got a new bike, my cousin got grounded, and Roy got a black eye. If you thought this was bad...wait till I tell you the story of the easter Bunny......GOOD GRIEF 

So All the finals and performance evualations are finally over. I thought that this would be a time of celebration. I thought that knowing In my heart and soul that I did everything possible to get through to next semester would be enough to relieve all the stress and worry. I was WRONG. Here I sit, after a night of celebration still unable to relax and just wait for the results to come back. I should feel happy about the effort I put forth and rising to the occassion when others simply would have quit or gone crazy. Maybe I have gone crazy and I just haven't realized It yet. Or maybe this Is NORMAL. Especially since so much Is at stake regarding my life and my future. I got the grades I felt I needed to get through but will they be enough to overcome missing class at 1 % of my overall grade deducted for every class missed. Will I be able to handle the bad news ? What will happen to the relationship with my wife If I don't get the good news I am hoping for ? Will I resent her for all the distractions and all the decisons I had to make because I thought my marriage was going to End ? What If It still does ? All these questions and fears are bouncing around In my head like a beach bal at a baseball game. Back and forth, forth and back, all this motion Is making me sick !!

As If I did'nt have enough to worry about right now. I just got off the phone with my wife and discussion somehow got focused on my dad. My dad has problems with depression, paranoia, and Im sure a few other things he should be medicated for. Let me give you alittle background. My dad has suffered from some sort of deppression and other mental Issues since he was born that have never gone treated. My grandmother had four kids, her husband was In and out the Mental Instituion ( When they actually still existed) and tried to do her best to raise them right. I don't blame her for not getting him help.Im sure she felt that they're was probablly nothing anyone could In her mind. My dad was not a great father. Hell he probably was'nt even a good father by some standards. My dad however, always made up for the lack of stabilty and a good home with love. If I ever felt down or needed help with something he did his best to do what he could. He was always there even when he was In Prison. I could count on atleast 3-4 letters a week, asking me how I was doing. My dad did he best and Ilove him greatly for that.

Ever since he was released, He has had a very difficult time trying to maintain some sort of employment. His mental conditions have worsened more and more over the years. He now has Issues with drug addications as well. So I think It Is an understatement to say, that age 58 his life seems very bleak. I feel terrible for him. He can't get along well enough with my uncle to with him. I have tried to get him the proper counseling and medications that I believe could help turn things around for him...but the help Is just not out there. Because he gets drug counseling the state will not get him the mental counseling until he Is finished with that. I believe If he could get that help first then he proablly would'nt use drugs as much. I think, and I could be wrong, that because his mental condition Is so OVERWHELMING for him, that the drugs are the only way to forget about the depression and fustraion he feels about the way his life Is unfolding.

So back to my conversation, My wife and have I discussed the problems my father faces. We can see that eventually down the road that my sister or myself will have to help take care of him. We both feel that my sister, unless she marries rich, will not be able to provide the help he will need. So basically that leaves me. Although I don't believe that I am responsible for the mistakes he has made throughout his life. I still can't bear the thought of my father one day homeless out on the street. Or even whorse...possiblly commiting suicide. I have over the years, used my father for movitation to do my best to not end up In the position he now finds himself In. I also love him deeply and respect him through all his faults and feel terrible that I don't show It. We don't spend enough time together. I feel responsible for that. I can't help but feel my fears of being fustrated, angry, and bitter with the world as he does Increase when Im with him. Because the conversation always comes down to " No One ever helped Me" or that some one owes him something. It makes hard to just enjoy time with him. But you see he Is not HIM. he has'nt been In a very long time. My father Is the type of person that would give up the shirt of his back to help a freind or someone he cares for. He Is almost child-like In this regard to a fault. His Intentions are always In the right place but can never make the right decison. 

My wife believes that we should not help him in any way, PERIOD. She does'nt even want me try to help him. This Is a subject that causes a lot of strain between the two of us. I always thought that once school was finished then I would be In a better position to make my stand regarding my father and the help I choose to give him.Unfortunately for me though, she will hear none of It. This Is my father !! How does someone turn their back on a love one, especially a parent who obiviously needs my help ? I will not do that. I will not comprise on this matter either. My dad may have been the cause of my hardships growing up. He may even be responsible for the battles I have to fight with depression on a daily basis. I don't care. I know my father never meant any of this to turn out the way It has and all the hurt he may have caused my sister and I. So I will not turn my BACK on the ONLY parent who loved his kids enough to stick around and do his best.

I dont understand how my wife, who deals with depression, anxiety, and a eating disorder herself can not understand the way I feel. For someone who has seen a therapist for SEVEN years can not understand how this condition, my father Is dealing with Untreated, can beat you down In life and beat the life out of you. I am confident that If this were one of her family or one of her parents she would want to do the same.

So on tuesday we have another meeting with my therapist. I am unsure how I will be able to get through that meeting without this coming up. Even worse yet. What If I don't get the good news I am hoping for. How will I be able to keep my temper and blood pressure from going through the roof. I can feel the resentment buliding as I type these words right now and I have'nt gotten any word yet ? ?

I will say another Rosary and pray to God for guidance and strength tonight. Somehow I can't help but ask myself how much change and sacrifice on my part will be enough for her or TOO MUCH for me ?? Did I forget mention that christmas dinner Is at our house this year ? That ought to be a post for the ages.....GOOD GRIEF !!!!!!!!

Well my date at HIGH NOON went just about as I expected. My wife attacked me with her feelings of unattainable and somewhat unrealistic demands. I tried my best to keep an open mind to her feelings. To be the concerned willing to do anything husband that Im sure she wnted me to be. As the bombardment of smart bombs and Patriot missles kept coming.  I ultimately resorted to my dysfunctional way of dealing with conflict regarding loved ones. Get on the defensive and COUNTER ATTACK with all the venom and percision of a King Cobra. I feel terrible that I still can't break away from that type defense mechanism but keeping an open mind at that point was just about Impossible.

Atleast the worst Is over for now...I hope. We both made an agreement with our therapist not to discuss what was said In our session after we left. And It was also agreed upon that I should focus all my efforts on passing my finals and making It through to the next semester. Atleast were on the same page when It comesw to that now. Although I feel that It might be too late. I won't have any problems passing my 2 finals tommorow thamks to the hard work and determined work ethic In those classes. My only fear now Is that my grade from my first final in Respiratory Procedures was enough to overcome the hit I will take from missing those afternoon classes due to my brief encounter with the DISTRICT.

It's almost commical to me at this point. After I was expelled from X-RAY school I felt as If I was a broken man. I swore to myself and my wife that I would do what ever It took to get reaccepted Into another program.Now here I am once again TERRIFIED that I allowed circumstances to dictate my educational future. That I somehow could have managed my high-wire act alittle better and would not be In this situation. Now with 2 performance evualuations left and not knowing how I did on any of my finals until next week I can't help but feel that I dropped the ball. I don't think I can handle another round of unwarranted HUMBLE PIE shoved down my throat.

Which brings me back to my session with my wife this afternoon. I honestly want to provide her with the security she so desperately desires. I have never been more dedicated to changing the way I go about things to make her happy. The only problem Is how can I provide her with feelings of progress when I wont have progress until Im finished with school ??

Too many questions to try ananswer right now. Im tired from the never ending battle with her ever changing emotions of what she feels our relationship and marriage should be at this point. I am starting to feel like Im trapped In Hong Kong and GODZILLA Is closing In on me and my sanity faster than I can run away.

Right now my mind and soul want to type more and get this fustration and anxiety out as quickly as possible. But Finals wait for no man and Godzilla Is breathing down my neck........I really need to hit the treadmill more often........Who knew Godzilla ran the 40 In 4.2 sec.........GOOD GRIEF !!!!!!!!!

Well I somehow managed to make It through the first round of finals today. Hell I think that I might have done just enough to pass that class. What an odd statement. Just enough to pass. You would think that was odd to If you knew how obessive I am regarding my grades and doing my absolute best. Then again considering everything thats going on right now, Im just glad that my heart did'nt spontaneously combust from all the anxiety and stress and I was able to take my final.

Well now that the warm fuzzies have been discussed. Unfortunately back to reality. My wife and I have a session with a marriage counselor tommorrow at noon. Two train of thoughts constantly enter my mind when thinking about this. First train Is full of optimism and hope. I really feel that this could be that extra step towards fixing the sad problems of a marriage that started out with such love and promise. That finally we can come to an understanding as to what needs to be done by both parties and begin to start the healing process. That one day spoiling our grandchildren Is something we will still enjoy together.

The second train is full of anger, resentment, and fear for the future. My thought process on this matter takes me to a vison of two naive people, who once loved each other deeply, at each others throats unable to see and understand the others point of view. That thousands of tiny pebbles will be thrown at the other, like heat seeking missles, slowly breaking down the wall of security  we have bulit up within each other. That unrealistic  and unreasonable ultimatiums will rear their ugly head, making any good progress a moutain to high to get over. That In the end there will be nothing left of our marriage but broken dreams, broken hearts, and broken DINNER WARE.

It reminds of one of those chessy westerns. Where John Wayne Is the good guy dressed all in white, standing with his trademark swagger, thirty paces from so " No Name " villian dressed In black. Staring him down. Daring him to reach for his colt45, so he can end another bad movie and this poor guy's carreer. I know your probabaly thinking to yourself that " This guy's marriage Is about to go up In flames and he is telling jokes ". Bad ones at that. What gives ?

Well I'll tell you what gives. NOTHING. Thats right I said NOTHING.  I'm not willing to give up school and my wife Is not willing to wait three weeks for me to start at that hospital position. So nothing gives. My family and ofcourse  her's think that I am crazy for giving up a gaurnteed union job ( Thats not so gaurnteed as they would like to believe ) To chase a dream that has been haunting me since X-RAY school. You know what though ? I really don't give a @#$%^ about what they think. I have never had the support system and stucture every young man needs to become a man, GIVEN to me by my family. I had to do It the hard way. I had to learn on my own. I honestly think that there Is still moutains more to learn for me on this subject.....but that as well Is another post for another time.

As far as her family Is concerned. I don't trust anyone who choses not to give me their honest thoughts and feelings about me either. So once again I could give a @#$% about their opion too. The only person's feelings that matter to me are my wifes....If only she could figure them out.........GOOD GRIEF !!!!!