Well another day in the life of good old Charlie Brown has come to an end, leaving me feel emotionally and physically sick. The physical part Is due to the new ADD medication I have started taking. It's amazing to me that this Is something that was never explored before. My new therapist spotted the signs within a few short meetings with him while my old therapist never gave It a thought. I have always had problems when It comes to organizing tasks and just plain keeping myself focused and following through. It Is a great relief to me and no shock that this problem Is there. It Is good to finally know that I am not crazy or lazy when It comes to things of Importance.
The reason for my emotional sickness today comes from so many places, Streaking through my mind, and clogging up my thought process. It all starts once again with the situation between me and my wife. Today was a therapist vist day for her. It always seems to me that whenever she sees her therapist she comes home more and more confused about the way she feels and the future of our marriage. Days like these are the worst to handle for me.
It's hard to explain...In between meetings with her therapist and our marriage counslor, she Is always closer to me, reminding me how much she loves me, expressing remorse for putting me through all of this and begging for her forgivness. Then we will talk about the demons haunting our marriage, trying to single out what they are and where they are coming from. Just when It seems we got a handle on them....Then that errie "Friday The Thirteenth " music comes on and I get squered from behind with a marshmallow poker, left to die with nothing but my " tightie Whities " to save from complete Big Screen humilliation.
Not only has this situation put a strain on our marriage to say the least but now It Is leaving us both Uncomfortable with each other. My wife wants to act as though nothing Is going on and our Interactions should be the same. Me on the other hand, I just cant bring myself to give that unconditional love and support In my heart and soul to her anymore. Although I feel this way, I try not to let It show to my wife out of fear that If she new the anguish and pain she Is causing me, she would Ignore the feelings that are wreaking havoc on her psyche leaving us In a worse position In the future than we are experincing now.Talks of seperation and time alone are reaching new levels of seriousness each day.
As If that wasn't bad enough, now these feelings of great emotional loss are triggering truamatic feelings of a memory from my past that I thought I had boxed up, wraped In duct tape, and sent off to " Timbucktwo " via UPS, has some how found It's way back Into the closet with the rest of the skeletons. This scar on my soul and self-esteem happened to me at a young age. This Is the scar that I believe was the can opener that opened the worms of depression and self doubt that I would battle then and now so many years later.
My Dad was just sent to Prison and I was sent to live with my Auant and Uncle. My dad had been the only parent and source of love and stabilty In my life up to that point. My Dad's parenting skills at the time would have made Dr. Phil call child services himself. Moving us around all the time from one nieghborhood and school to the next. At one point during this peroid, I attended 3 different elementary schools within a 6-months. Although my dad made many mistakes and came up short In the stable provider department. His love and support for me and my sister never faltered.
So It Is needless to say that my dad and I were tight. When I was sent to live with my Aunt and Uncle things were very different. They were very big on structure and discipline. They had rules and chores and you were grounded If you did not follow along. I am In no way saying that rules and discipline are creul and unusual punishment for kids. In fact I believe that If I could ahve stayed In that enviorment I would no doubtly have less financial and emotional problems today.
The adjustment for me was very difficult, as Iam quite sure It would ahve been to any child losing the only parent they had ever known. I would probably equate this to losing a parent to death. You may not agree but thats what It felt like to me. And In all my new guardians wisdom...no one ever thought to get me some sort of couseling or help In that matter. After about a year of painfull adjustment and many nights spent crying myself to sleep, I thought I had finally become accustomed to my new life.
At the end of the first day of the new school year. I returned home to a family meeting being called. These meetings always had some sort of Importance or Impact on things regarding the family. So naturally I had a small sense of uneasiness. After dinner we were all sat down In the living room, our boardroom so to speak. When discussion did'nt begin right away all the small uneasiness I was experincing earlier was raised to " DEF-CON 5 ". All of us kids seemed to look at each other through all the silence and understand that something big was going down.
Finally my Uncle spoke. He basically said to me and the rest of us, wtihout a hint of emotion on his face, That I had become too big of a problem for them to handle anymore. I'll admit that I could'nt have been the easiest kid to handle at the time considering the circumstances but I felt that towards the end of that first year I was finally becoming comfortable with the situation and doing my part to make life more bearable for everyone Involved.
My first thought was that I would be sent to my grandmothers to stay with her and my drill sargent Uncle. my first fear was that I would have to start over at a new school again and make new friends, which was something I would never go on to be real good at. OHH how naieve the young mind could be. I was not prepared for the bombshell that was about to be dropped on me from out of nowhere.
My Uncle then continued on and said that I would be placed Into a foster care facility and then Into the States care. Then he went on to accuse me many things that were not true but the worst one of all, the one that I will never forgive to this day, He accused me of stealing their money. After my Initial shock of what was happening, I then began to break down emotionally and physically. I started to cry. Then I started to BEG them not to send me away. That I would change my bad habits. I even SWORE never to steal again. Although I had never taken a dime from the family that had opened their homes and hearts to a distraught and troubled child.
Well none of the begging and pleading had worked. The decsion had already been made. The only question left now to ask was when this atrocity would take place. Niether my Uncle or Aunt could tell me abything but that the wheels were In motion. So off to bed I went, eyes welled with tears and my face red more distrught than I had ever been. I could'nt comphrend what was happening to me. This whole situation from the start was not the greatest for me to begin with. But being sent away from the only family you have ever know like an outcast was something I was never able to able to deal with.
That night for the first time In my short life, my cousin, who I Idolized gave me hug and said that he loved me. He was like a big brother to me and I saw him cry for the first and only time.What was to come the next morning I will never forgive my Aunt or Uncle for, no matter their reasons behind It.
The next morning I got up just like any other school day and walked to school with a heavy heart and a saddness I will never be able to explain. The thoughts of losing friends and family were to much to bare and I cried the whole way there. When I got to school I went to my locker, passing friends I knew I would never see again with a word. I made my way to my first class. When I reached the classroom and walked through the door, I was Imediately surrounded by the police and placed In handcuffs like some common criminal. I was then lead away to the fright of some classmates and the chuckles of others.
I could'nt believe that they did this to me and In such a way as If to say I was some sort of criminal. I was NO criminal. I did'nt deserve to be treated this way. No one desereves to be treated that way. They might as well have had me stoned or canned In public. I was then taken to the facilty, finger printed and sent off to some 5 by 6 cell with a toliet In one corner and a matt on the floor to sleep In. I then proceded to spend the better of eight months In this facilty. Thankfully my grandmother could no longer handle the gulit she must've been feeling over this whole ordeal and took me home to stay with them.
The whole point of these feelings and this long drawn out story today Is this. The only other time I had ever felt tossed aside by my family and the poeple I had no doubtedly loved a great deal. I felt distraught and was willing to do whatever It took to remain a part of the family, no matter hoe disfunctional It was. As the situation with my wife continues to drag on and those feelings of being tossed aside unjustly by the ones you love creep out of the closet, pushing the other skeletons adise to rear It's ugly head grow bigger, somehow my feelings regarding these feelins have changed.
I now have a greater sense of confidence, self assurance, and self belief that I will once again climb out of the depths of despare and deppression to a brand new day filled with hope and happiness for the future. While my wife Is firmly sitting on her fence of direction, unsure of the path ahead, waiting for a big enough breeze to bolw her to one side or the other. I have on the other hand already began the process of subconsciouly moving on. Unwilling to beg and plead for the love, respect, and acceptance that should ahve always been there.
So the next time UPS comes knocking at your door, with a big box full of depression, fear, and skeletons you thought you had hidden somewhere deep In the basement or attic of your subconcious. Whatever you do...be sure to lock the doors, turn off the lights, and for the love of God don't answer the door...It's just not worth the heartache.....GOOD GRIEF.....
Peace and Hair Grease to all.......
~CB~
