Well....After freaking out at 3 in the morning, about my wife and our never ending struggle for some sort of semi-balance to our relationship. Things have started to settle down and I can focus on school and my studies once again. I have an appointment to see my therapist next week . I can not WAIT  to see the look on my therapist's face when  I dump the ''Semi-Truck'' load of Issues and problems that have caused me great amounts of anxiety lately. Im sure that by the time Im finished with my hour Lucy will abandon her ''Lemon-ade'' stand of an office, burn the ''Doctor Is In'' sign, and pray to God that she never sees another nickel In her lifetime.

Besides the never ending Saga of ''Lets Make A Deal'' that Is my marriage. I have been feeling alot of anxiety surrounding school and work. I just started to scratch the surface In my last post about my Issues regarding those subjects. I really don't know what has triggerd these emotions of self-doubt....but that's not what Im concerned about. I know now that these episodes will never go completely away. What does concern me Is how Im dealing with them when they rear their ugly heads. Hence more vists to my therapist.I truly wish to get to the bottom of my anxieties....but most Importantly....Know what and how I should handle them when I reach that point.

I will say that my fears regarding my performance at work had no foundation whatsoever. I went In on my next shift to find my new Clinical Educator repeating all the wonderful things she had heard about my performance on the floors doing treatments.I can't begin to tell you how relieved I was when she stated that we would go through each and every compentcy together and at my PACE...to be sure that I was comfortable with all therapie I would be adminstering at work. After my meeting with her I went to start my shift on the floors. To my amazement....two different nurses on my floor told me how much they appreciated having a therapist like on the floors. Now I know for sure there Is a GOD. It baffles me that God knows exactly when I need to hear those types of affrimations to keep me on track.

As far as school Is concerned....I managed to make It through my first round of testing with nothing less than 90% on my quizes. I'm not trying to blow my own horn here but I dont think anyone else In my progragm would ahve been able to do that. Which leads me Into my crazy post header for today....Today we went over the process of obtaining blood gases from a patient. You basically have to stick somone with a needle to withdraw blood from their artery. Sounds simple right ?? Well It's not rocket science but I did however fail to mention that If you dont perform the procedure right not only Is It painfull for the patient but you can also hit the nerve that the radial artery runs along and paralyze the patient. THATS RIGHT I SAID PARALYZE !!!!

So there we are practicing the procrdure on a manequin's arm...when suddenly I am paired up with the oldest student In the program. How Old was she you ask ?? Well to give you an Idea, her drivers licsence picture Is In black and white. Thats how old. Her hand eye cordination went out thwe window with American Bandstand. So It's me and '' Old Mother Hubbard'' and were listening to Instructions on how to properly handle this ''Bowie Knife'' of a needle. I am trying to demonstrate this technique to my partner, when all of a sudden she jerks her hand and the next thing you know I have a 3in needle sticking through my finger. Thats right she stuck me. Next thing you know '' Liz Taylor '' Is freaking out and trying to pull the needle out In her current state of delerium. My Instructor gets a gaze of whats happening, turns plae white, and almost passes out.

 Needless to say...I spent the rest of the day at the clinic. So not only did I have a 3in needle in finger... but thanks to my very own ''Gloden Girl'' I also recieved a needle In the ASS. Tetnus shot...It was mandatory...or so they told me.Well atleast things are getting back to some form of normalcy for me by having the Impossible and the Improbable happen to me all In the same day. Im actually laughing right now...Big smile on my face... as I relive todays events. My advice to you all Is this....First...always and I MEAN always have faith and confidence In yourself and your abilities...Two...never take advice from someone who asks for a ''Nickel'' Instead of a ''Penny'' for your thoughts....and last but definitately not least....When working with Senior Citizens that are holding sharp objects In their hands....Be sure to ask...and I quote my Cousin Vinny...''When was the last time you had the ''Dictness'' of your glasses checked...........Good Grief !!!!!!!!

Well here we go again....just another beautiful day in the dysfunctional neighborhood.My wifes talking the '' D'' word again, my fears of failure with work and school are escalating, and Im up at 3:30 in the morning on day full of quizes and exams...Good Grief...If Mr. Rogers lived In my nieghborhood he would be trading in his ''Wing Tips and Sweater Vest '' for Combat Boots and a flack jacket....Im quite conifident that Mr. Rogers ate a handfull of Valium before starting his morning show. Then again we never did see a Misses Rogers now did we...Hmmm that says It all.

The last time I posted a message on this wonderfull site. I spoke of an old dear friend that helped me through a lot of bull pucky and keep my sanity at the same time.Boy I long for those days now. After my last post..Once again for some starnge reason my wife went off the deep end. I just can't figure out what are triggering these episodes for her. Since the last time we saw the marriage counselor, things had gotten better. I was working on following through with tasks that I would start..One of her major complaints..as well as focusing on my job at the hospital and concentrating on my studies. All was well....Or so I thought.

Just last weekend...my wife started to freak again about our future and how she was unhappy with the path we were taking. I thought i was doing everything within my control to keep up my end of our bargain. I think what set her off this time was the fact that I had not been back to my counselor right away....Actually It has been about a month...but I can say that this was out of my control. My therapist was out of the office for a week.....Then I had to work 52 hours the next week....and after that i did'nt recieve my schedule until the week after that...I mean seriously..how can I schedule appointment If Im not sure I can keep It. These I thought were all valid reasons to me....Not to my wife though...they were excuses.

Maybe Im nuts....but I don't see how she could feel that everything was going to..or Is going to change within a few months. To me, my visits with my therapist are not the Issue here. What the Issue Is for me Is her emotional state and her state of mind. I mean just before christmas I was ready to recieve my gifts from Santa at the local shelter....then all of a sudden her attiude and feelings changed about our situation. I kew that It was a quick turnaround for us..but i just wanted things to get back to normal..I just wanted the woman that I love to stay In my life so bad... that I did'nt bring up my doubts about her new found support of our '' FUTURE ''. Things have been going so well that I started to believe that none that was real...that I had mysteriously entered the TWILIGHT zone or something and It was all a bad hangover Induced dream.

How wrong I was.....Its the same old complaints except this time my wife can say that I haven't made a viable effort to save our marriage. You know the working part...the part that she was sooooo stressed out about...how I wasn't carring my weight...well now that I am It does'nt matter...Now the Important thing Is my ''so-called'' lack of committment to my therapy.I just don't get it. Right now, to be honest with everone, I need her emotional support more than ever. I a starting to doubt my skills at work and If I am justifing my position there. Honestly I should'nt be working in my feild at this point...and Im starting to feel just abit over my head. Not only that but sbhool Is much more Intense this semester...hence me being up at this time of the morning.

When It comes to school...the one thing I AM sure of....Im starting to fel out of place. None of the other students are willing to study with me....dont know if Its because they think Im stupid or if its because Im a man in a program full of women. Even the one person that I could study with last semester Is giving me the cold shoulder. Lying about when and who she Is studying with.That just feels terrible....@#$%^ THEM then...I dont need there help. And you better believe when it comes the time for clinicals...If im still employed where I am....I WILL NOT HELP THEM...I dont know..Im usually not this bitter...but what can I say ?? Thing are going down the toliet again and this time theres no @#$ paper to pull myself out with...The Roll Is empty lol.

Maybe It Is me ? maybe I need to rededicate myself to being a better husband for my wife. Altough I dont know where I would start...not that Im perfect but....I give quite alot of emotional support to her and I am always thinking of her first....Well I think It's time to end this one...Im not really myself this morning...The coffee Is wearing out and Im fresh out of wheaties...time for bed.Wish me luck...Once I need It....Good Grief !!!!!!!!!

I'm not too sure If I got Into the subject of my father's Drug problem on this site or not. I don't think I will go Into any length of detail about It, other than to say my father has been battling an addiction to crack for quite some time now. The reason that I even decided to bring this up tonight was because It leads Into my post for this evening.

On my way to take my father for his urinalysis testing. I drove right through my old neighborhood where I lived, while attending high school. While making the trek through my old stomping grounds, I happened past my old house. For some reason or another It reminded me of an old, close friend, that lived next door to me. I'm fairly confident that this old friend does not frequent these types of sites or he may not even have Internet access at this point, so I think It will be safe to use his real name.

Charlo Hudson was a young black man In his mid twenties who used to live next door to me with his girlfriend. It was summer time when we moved Into that old neighborhood. I was In tenth grade. I was a very Introverted kid at that time In my life...but considering all the circumstances surrounding my life at that point ...Im not surprised. I would see Charlo sitting on his porch, Billy Joel blarring In the background, with a tall glass of Vodka and orange juice In his hands, unwinding from work.

 Small talk was all we seemed to generate between each other for quite some time. Then one day, while my cousin and I were outside tossing the football around, out of nowhere, Charlo came up and Introduced himself. He joined In with me and my cousin and from that night foward me and Charlo would become the best of friends.

We would talk about anything and everything. Charlo was a very Intelligent man. We would talk about the state of the goverment, the tension between blacks and whites, and somehow our conversations would always come down to the rich and the poor. ''The Rich get Richer and The Poor get Poorer'' was always his favorite staement on this subject.

These were very trying and difficult times for me to sat the least. Dealing with my Uncle at home was not an easy task...most of the time It was a living hell. There came a point In time In high school that I was literally kicked out of my home, every other weekend, because I was not paying enough In rent to satisfy my Uncle. He would yell at and degrade me on a daily basis. As If that was'nt enough..I also had to deal with trying to fit In at school. I obviously had a difficult time with that as well. Let me make this clear...I WAS NOT PART OF THE POPULAR CROWD !! hell I was not part of any crowd..altough I did have a small group of friends that I would hang out with.

This I where I was first tagged with the nickname of Charlie Brown. A good friend of mine now...back In high school once told me that I reminded him of the real life Charlie, Without the cool dog ofcourse. Everyone who has felt like they never quite fit In with the popular kids In school knows excatly what kind of pain that I had to endure at that time. If you know what I mean, then try adding Into the mix, a family so dysfunctional we made the Mansons look like the brady bunch...or atleast thats what It felt like to me at the time.

After these feelings began swirling around In the old noggin of mine...I started to think about my good friend. I honestly believe that he saved my life.When we were not debating world Issues....I could talk to him about everything going on In school and at home. It even got to the point that when I would get kicked again for no reason...that he would let me stay with him. I can not express the postive Impact that this man made on my life. Not only did he help me begin to bulid confidence In myself again...but just being able to discuss those Issues was very therapuetic for me.

Charlo helped me to see the that I was a good person. He helped me to realize that I did not have to figure everything out on my own. I could go to him for advice on any topic or to discuss any teenage life crisis I was experincing at the time. He always made me feel like there was hope for me to achieve something greater for myself. Through all the advice and conversations shared with me on that front porch......I dont seem to recall at the moment, expressing just how grateful I was for his help, understanding, and Influence. I know that I thanked him every chance I could....But I never got across just how much of an Impact he made on my life.

I am saddened to say that although Charlo was a great man and even better friend. He was dealing with demons of his own. Charlo was an alcholic. I don't know why I never saw that then when I can see It so clearly now. Throughout the years...unfortunately I had lost contact with him. After he married, he moved to another part of town. I kept In contact as much as I could but as days and weeks passed..and I began to strive to make our own way In the world...connections with the people we truly care about soetimes get left behind.

I saw him occasionally after awhile...Unfortunately he could never quite get a handle on his drinking problem. It eventually cost him his marriage. The worst part about for me Is that I know If I had the chance to help him...I feel that maybe..... just maybe I could  have made that same Impact for him...I could have been that friend he could lean on...just like he did for me so long ago. It seems to me that by some grace of God...at every point of emotional hardship.....when I could have given In to the difficult circumstances that life had dealt to me......there has always been someone there to guide me through the fog and the storm. Whether It was a Loving Aunt or an unexpected friend....these people were put In place for a reason.

If you have read my blog before then you should know that I lost my Aunt to deppression and and the emotional rollercoaster that Is bi-polar disorder. As far as Charlo goes Im not really too sure just what happened to him. But If you do have a computer...and by some grace of God might be reading this......I just want to say THANK YOU  for being my friend and helping me to see the person I am today.....That was burried deep within an akward teenager trying to become a man.....

You will always be my friend.......And I hope you are well...thats It for now. I could go on with stories all night long...... but my homework Is calling and It's getting late.........better yet...I think  that I'll put on some Billy Joel....make myself a screwdriver..... and wake up the neighbors with rantings of how the Rich are still getting Richer and the Poor are still getting Poorer.............Peace and Hair Grease to everyone..........

~Charlie    

I Don't have much time tonight for blogging, so this post should be relativity short In lenghth. After laying it all on the line at the end of the last semester and coming out victorious for ONCE In my life. I started to believe that I had evicted all self doubt from my block, thus removing It from the neighborhood which Is my life. After starting classes this week and already feeling overloaded with work. Somehow unbeknownst to me, self doubt has moved It's way back Into the nieghborhood and Is wreaking  HAVOC  on my neighborhood watch program as we speak. Except this time not only has this demon moved back Into the neighborhood...It has moved In right next store..refusing to take out the trash and mow the lawn.

I really hate posting a message about my self doubt on my blog today. There are so many other topics that are more worthy of mention..i.e...The celebration of Doctor King's Legacy. Here was a man, who against all odds from outside his race and within, was able to speak for his race with such compassion and Integrity. Lifting his people past oppression to the opportunities they enjoy today...which should have been there all along. Oh did I forget to mention that this wonderful man accomplished all of this without the threat or action of violence..while threats of violence were made against him and his families lives all time. Eventually It would be the action of violence that would take his life and take away from the american people, a great leader and a great man for ALL  men to look to for a source of courage and Inspiration when facing tryany and Injustice.

When I think of my battle with my self-esteem and self- doubt. Today especially, I look to that courage and Integrity, to provide some sort of Inspiration or motivation, In fighting the battles that I face from within, and take comfort In knowing that one day I too  will be '' Free At Last '' from the demons that have been my oppressor for all theese years.

I am In no WAY comparing my struggle with that faced by the African Americans...

With that being said...Just think about It for a moment....I wont ask you to think about It on a cultural or racial level either..Just think about all the Pure hatred and MALICE ...there Is that ugly word again....not only wished upon these peoples but acted upon them as well..All the chaos and uncertanity surrounding those circumstances of Dr. King's and his people's journey to equality and salvation...Boy talk about the unshakeable faith and belief In your self that Is required to embark on  and lead a Journey of that magnitude. A journey that sadly has not yet been fully realized...Although others will bury their heads In the sand and chose to get lost In the smoke, that Is blown up all our asses, about the current state of racial equity In our society Today.

What does all this have to do with my feelings of helplessness today ?? Im not sure to be honest. All I know Is that these feelings are back to haunt my subconcious and paralyze my motivation to succeed with predetermined thoughts of unwarranted failure. I keep telling myself to look at my recent accomplishments as some sort of evidence in making these feelings and thoughts of failure Invalid. But just like my therapist points out '' It takes more than one week of medication and counseling  to put the wheels of mental progress In motion''. It also took one woman's REFUSAL to give up her seat at the front of the bus and one man's DREAM  to start a cultural revolution of progress.

Dr. Martin Luther King had a dream for himself and his people. Well I have a dream too. A dream of a successful carrer, a family, and a house on a tree lined street. With a white picket fence and a dog named Snoopy running In the yard. My demons will tell me that this dream Is unattainable...Well all It took was one man to start the march of a MILLION....And If you sign my pettion today...maybe one day we ALL can march together towards progress emotionally and mentally In all our lives....Good Grief..

Peace and Hair Grease,

~CB

The motivation for my post today comes from a close and friend and author on this site. This Author's..who shall remain anonomous...posted a message today that touched me to the core of my beliefs of myself and my spirtually. I am begining to think that maybe alot of folks might get something out of thoughts regarding the message In that post...This was my response to that author..No sugar coating..No pep talk..Just what I believe to be the truth for me regarding my faith...And others....So without futher adue....

First off let me tell you alittle about my father. My father has had mental Issues all his life and I even think some of those maybe Bi-polar related.  My father was GREAT In the aspect that he loved his children very deeply and tried his best to do whatever HE was capable of, to take care of us. I can remember nights when I was In elementary school. My dad would wake me up at 11:00 pm and sometimes even 12:00am to watch The PTL Club. I'm not sure If you remember good old Jimmy and Tammy Fae Baker or not but Maybe their catch pharse song '' Faith for miracles'' might ring a bell for you....''Faith For Miracles we got a miracle working God..A Miracle....Working....God''...Anyways..My dad would get me up to watch these shows with him. I never understood why at the time but looking back on It now. I seem to recall that He would send a donation EVERY week to this organization. Why ??...Maybe he was hoping for a miracle ??...Maybe he was fighting through some of his own demons??...Or maybe he just thought,  that If he sent money In to this Faith based organization. That Jesus would somehow view him as a  BETTER  Christian...and all the things he wanted for his life ..God would grant him....

Now let me tell you alittle about my experince with the Catholic Church. I was raised Catholic mainly by my grandmother and father ( dad mostly supplied the HOLLY ROLLER angle to things ). I can remember going to church with my grandmother on Saturdays. The majority of the time we would sit alone, none of the other parshioners would converese with my grandmother. It made me always feel alittle uneasy and uncomfortable and I can't Imagine how It made grandma feel. The one thing that I noticed the most was that, no Matter how much these ''So-Called'' Catholics knew about the bible or clamied to understand the words or message that God was  trying to get across to It's followers. They were ''MISSING'' the point. love thy neighbor as you would love me. Feed and clothe thy neighbor as you would me ( granted I am not attempting to quote the bible here just some of my understanding of It). These people, for the life of them,  could'nt understand the basic message that we all should try to be giving and non-judgemental to everyone. I would watch these Ignorant, arrogant,  ASSES talking amongst themselves....In thier sundays best....which we could never afford to wear with 2 months worth of my grandmthers social security.....while we sat In the back.. ...not a word said to us the whole time.

Now let me tell you alittle more about my faith and relationship with God. When I was younger, I would attend mass about every other week. Confession now that's an embarssing statistic That Im only comfortable with God knowing....My point Is ...that although I did'nt attend mass every Sunday or that I could'nt even recite all the prayers and schpell that goes along with It. I have never once felt that Jesus or God for that matter, did not love and accept me for who I was or that He did'nt want a relationship with me because I was not ''CHOIR-BOY of the Year''. My relationship with Jesus and God has always been a source of strenghth for me. It just always seems to be amplified In troubling times.

Now back to my father. Years have gone by for him slowly. He has been In and out of prison and never has gotten the the type of mental help he has desperately needed all these years. Basically he has become a Bitter, Broken, and Malicious man. He likes to blame anyone and everything for the reasons that his life Is the way It Is. But what Is even worse for him Is that he CURSES God and Jesus for never turning things around FOR him. It happens to be one of the most horrific sights I have ever seen. I was always afraid that someday I would turn out just like him. Feeling that the Lord was unhappy with me or that I was'nt good enough In his eyes, so now my life Is cursed...as he would put It.

The moral of my post to you and to all. I believe that God already knows what type of relationship he Is going to have with Us and what type of relationship we are capable of having with him...That Is...If we want It. I beleive that Jesus or God has placed no REQUIREMENTS on his love for each and every one of us. I don't expect that just because you can quote scripture all day long but not truly understand the meaning of being good to yourself and others, will get you and automatic hall pass...past Gabriel...Into the gates of heaven. Nor do I believe that just because you don't understand every passage written In the Bible but are a Good loving person to others, automatically puts you on the elevator that only goes down to hell and not back up. And lastly...I strongly believe that just because you have malice In your heart for people that have hurt you. It does'nt make you a MONSTER...just HUMAN. Remember this....Malice while harmfull and unhealthy for the soul and If left unchecked can and WILL destroy you (see my father) Is still a part of being Human....God made us this way for a reason. God gave us the ability to feel hurt, Pain, anger, joy, and happiness to seperate us from all others that have not been blessed with the capacity to experince these emotions.

Emotions...they are what they are...they're what makes us kind, loving, and giving of ourselves. They are also what makes us capable of spite, anger, bitterness, and most Importantly MALICE. If you wish to hold yorself to a higher spirtual standard and Pick yourself apart because you don't have a high enough ladder to reach those goals....so be It. Thats your choice, your decision and I will not attempt to change your mind...But If you want a dose of reality..then here goes..EVERYONE has been hurt and scarred emotionaly to the point that they have Malice In thier hearts. It does'nt make you a MONSTER to have malicious feelings...what makes you a Monster Is not recongnizing them and leaving them there,  to suck all the joy and happiness out of your soul and heart...leaving you a BITTER and BROKEN person In the End......Just Ask My Dad...Good Grief !!!

Peace and Hair Grease..

~cb~