So All the finals and performance evualations are finally over. I thought that this would be a time of celebration. I thought that knowing In my heart and soul that I did everything possible to get through to next semester would be enough to relieve all the stress and worry. I was WRONG. Here I sit, after a night of celebration still unable to relax and just wait for the results to come back. I should feel happy about the effort I put forth and rising to the occassion when others simply would have quit or gone crazy. Maybe I have gone crazy and I just haven't realized It yet. Or maybe this Is NORMAL. Especially since so much Is at stake regarding my life and my future. I got the grades I felt I needed to get through but will they be enough to overcome missing class at 1 % of my overall grade deducted for every class missed. Will I be able to handle the bad news ? What will happen to the relationship with my wife If I don't get the good news I am hoping for ? Will I resent her for all the distractions and all the decisons I had to make because I thought my marriage was going to End ? What If It still does ? All these questions and fears are bouncing around In my head like a beach bal at a baseball game. Back and forth, forth and back, all this motion Is making me sick !!

As If I did'nt have enough to worry about right now. I just got off the phone with my wife and discussion somehow got focused on my dad. My dad has problems with depression, paranoia, and Im sure a few other things he should be medicated for. Let me give you alittle background. My dad has suffered from some sort of deppression and other mental Issues since he was born that have never gone treated. My grandmother had four kids, her husband was In and out the Mental Instituion ( When they actually still existed) and tried to do her best to raise them right. I don't blame her for not getting him help.Im sure she felt that they're was probablly nothing anyone could In her mind. My dad was not a great father. Hell he probably was'nt even a good father by some standards. My dad however, always made up for the lack of stabilty and a good home with love. If I ever felt down or needed help with something he did his best to do what he could. He was always there even when he was In Prison. I could count on atleast 3-4 letters a week, asking me how I was doing. My dad did he best and Ilove him greatly for that.

Ever since he was released, He has had a very difficult time trying to maintain some sort of employment. His mental conditions have worsened more and more over the years. He now has Issues with drug addications as well. So I think It Is an understatement to say, that age 58 his life seems very bleak. I feel terrible for him. He can't get along well enough with my uncle to with him. I have tried to get him the proper counseling and medications that I believe could help turn things around for him...but the help Is just not out there. Because he gets drug counseling the state will not get him the mental counseling until he Is finished with that. I believe If he could get that help first then he proablly would'nt use drugs as much. I think, and I could be wrong, that because his mental condition Is so OVERWHELMING for him, that the drugs are the only way to forget about the depression and fustraion he feels about the way his life Is unfolding.

So back to my conversation, My wife and have I discussed the problems my father faces. We can see that eventually down the road that my sister or myself will have to help take care of him. We both feel that my sister, unless she marries rich, will not be able to provide the help he will need. So basically that leaves me. Although I don't believe that I am responsible for the mistakes he has made throughout his life. I still can't bear the thought of my father one day homeless out on the street. Or even whorse...possiblly commiting suicide. I have over the years, used my father for movitation to do my best to not end up In the position he now finds himself In. I also love him deeply and respect him through all his faults and feel terrible that I don't show It. We don't spend enough time together. I feel responsible for that. I can't help but feel my fears of being fustrated, angry, and bitter with the world as he does Increase when Im with him. Because the conversation always comes down to " No One ever helped Me" or that some one owes him something. It makes hard to just enjoy time with him. But you see he Is not HIM. he has'nt been In a very long time. My father Is the type of person that would give up the shirt of his back to help a freind or someone he cares for. He Is almost child-like In this regard to a fault. His Intentions are always In the right place but can never make the right decison. 

My wife believes that we should not help him in any way, PERIOD. She does'nt even want me try to help him. This Is a subject that causes a lot of strain between the two of us. I always thought that once school was finished then I would be In a better position to make my stand regarding my father and the help I choose to give him.Unfortunately for me though, she will hear none of It. This Is my father !! How does someone turn their back on a love one, especially a parent who obiviously needs my help ? I will not do that. I will not comprise on this matter either. My dad may have been the cause of my hardships growing up. He may even be responsible for the battles I have to fight with depression on a daily basis. I don't care. I know my father never meant any of this to turn out the way It has and all the hurt he may have caused my sister and I. So I will not turn my BACK on the ONLY parent who loved his kids enough to stick around and do his best.

I dont understand how my wife, who deals with depression, anxiety, and a eating disorder herself can not understand the way I feel. For someone who has seen a therapist for SEVEN years can not understand how this condition, my father Is dealing with Untreated, can beat you down In life and beat the life out of you. I am confident that If this were one of her family or one of her parents she would want to do the same.

So on tuesday we have another meeting with my therapist. I am unsure how I will be able to get through that meeting without this coming up. Even worse yet. What If I don't get the good news I am hoping for. How will I be able to keep my temper and blood pressure from going through the roof. I can feel the resentment buliding as I type these words right now and I have'nt gotten any word yet ? ?

I will say another Rosary and pray to God for guidance and strength tonight. Somehow I can't help but ask myself how much change and sacrifice on my part will be enough for her or TOO MUCH for me ?? Did I forget mention that christmas dinner Is at our house this year ? That ought to be a post for the ages.....GOOD GRIEF !!!!!!!!

 

Well my date at HIGH NOON went just about as I expected. My wife attacked me with her feelings of unattainable and somewhat unrealistic demands. I tried my best to keep an open mind to her feelings. To be the concerned willing to do anything husband that Im sure she wnted me to be. As the bombardment of smart bombs and Patriot missles kept coming.  I ultimately resorted to my dysfunctional way of dealing with conflict regarding loved ones. Get on the defensive and COUNTER ATTACK with all the venom and percision of a King Cobra. I feel terrible that I still can't break away from that type defense mechanism but keeping an open mind at that point was just about Impossible.

Atleast the worst Is over for now...I hope. We both made an agreement with our therapist not to discuss what was said In our session after we left. And It was also agreed upon that I should focus all my efforts on passing my finals and making It through to the next semester. Atleast were on the same page when It comesw to that now. Although I feel that It might be too late. I won't have any problems passing my 2 finals tommorow thamks to the hard work and determined work ethic In those classes. My only fear now Is that my grade from my first final in Respiratory Procedures was enough to overcome the hit I will take from missing those afternoon classes due to my brief encounter with the DISTRICT.

It's almost commical to me at this point. After I was expelled from X-RAY school I felt as If I was a broken man. I swore to myself and my wife that I would do what ever It took to get reaccepted Into another program.Now here I am once again TERRIFIED that I allowed circumstances to dictate my educational future. That I somehow could have managed my high-wire act alittle better and would not be In this situation. Now with 2 performance evualuations left and not knowing how I did on any of my finals until next week I can't help but feel that I dropped the ball. I don't think I can handle another round of unwarranted HUMBLE PIE shoved down my throat.

Which brings me back to my session with my wife this afternoon. I honestly want to provide her with the security she so desperately desires. I have never been more dedicated to changing the way I go about things to make her happy. The only problem Is how can I provide her with feelings of progress when I wont have progress until Im finished with school ??

Too many questions to try ananswer right now. Im tired from the never ending battle with her ever changing emotions of what she feels our relationship and marriage should be at this point. I am starting to feel like Im trapped In Hong Kong and GODZILLA Is closing In on me and my sanity faster than I can run away.

Right now my mind and soul want to type more and get this fustration and anxiety out as quickly as possible. But Finals wait for no man and Godzilla Is breathing down my neck........I really need to hit the treadmill more often........Who knew Godzilla ran the 40 In 4.2 sec.........GOOD GRIEF !!!!!!!!!

Well I somehow managed to make It through the first round of finals today. Hell I think that I might have done just enough to pass that class. What an odd statement. Just enough to pass. You would think that was odd to If you knew how obessive I am regarding my grades and doing my absolute best. Then again considering everything thats going on right now, Im just glad that my heart did'nt spontaneously combust from all the anxiety and stress and I was able to take my final.

Well now that the warm fuzzies have been discussed. Unfortunately back to reality. My wife and I have a session with a marriage counselor tommorrow at noon. Two train of thoughts constantly enter my mind when thinking about this. First train Is full of optimism and hope. I really feel that this could be that extra step towards fixing the sad problems of a marriage that started out with such love and promise. That finally we can come to an understanding as to what needs to be done by both parties and begin to start the healing process. That one day spoiling our grandchildren Is something we will still enjoy together.

The second train is full of anger, resentment, and fear for the future. My thought process on this matter takes me to a vison of two naive people, who once loved each other deeply, at each others throats unable to see and understand the others point of view. That thousands of tiny pebbles will be thrown at the other, like heat seeking missles, slowly breaking down the wall of security  we have bulit up within each other. That unrealistic  and unreasonable ultimatiums will rear their ugly head, making any good progress a moutain to high to get over. That In the end there will be nothing left of our marriage but broken dreams, broken hearts, and broken DINNER WARE.

It reminds of one of those chessy westerns. Where John Wayne Is the good guy dressed all in white, standing with his trademark swagger, thirty paces from so " No Name " villian dressed In black. Staring him down. Daring him to reach for his colt45, so he can end another bad movie and this poor guy's carreer. I know your probabaly thinking to yourself that " This guy's marriage Is about to go up In flames and he is telling jokes ". Bad ones at that. What gives ?

Well I'll tell you what gives. NOTHING. Thats right I said NOTHING.  I'm not willing to give up school and my wife Is not willing to wait three weeks for me to start at that hospital position. So nothing gives. My family and ofcourse  her's think that I am crazy for giving up a gaurnteed union job ( Thats not so gaurnteed as they would like to believe ) To chase a dream that has been haunting me since X-RAY school. You know what though ? I really don't give a @#$%^ about what they think. I have never had the support system and stucture every young man needs to become a man, GIVEN to me by my family. I had to do It the hard way. I had to learn on my own. I honestly think that there Is still moutains more to learn for me on this subject.....but that as well Is another post for another time.

As far as her family Is concerned. I don't trust anyone who choses not to give me their honest thoughts and feelings about me either. So once again I could give a @#$% about their opion too. The only person's feelings that matter to me are my wifes....If only she could figure them out.........GOOD GRIEF !!!!!

I can't believe that I am on this site blogging right now. I have a  TON  of studying for my Final Exam tomorrow but here I sit trying to sift through the emotional wasteland that is marriage right now. I told myself we'll just take a 10 minute break and check our e-mail. I'll just try to catch up up on my favorite blogs for a second. Obvisiouly that did not work. So I turn once again to the voice that almost never answers back ( Except for the few who have taken the time to send encouraging words) The only place I now find escape and refuge from the problem that Is my wifes emotions.

Ok...I'll try to get through this In a few paragraphs and hopefully 10 minutes. My wife and I had ANOTHER long talk this weekend about her confusion, emotions and doubts In our relationship. She talked about how she felt like the wieght was'nt being distributed equally, That she felt like she was being taken advantage of, And of how she felt that she wanted to be taken care of.

All of these feelings and concerns are normal and I can even understand why she might feel that way. I have not gotten angry with her about any of this although It Is apparent that she Is attacking my charcter and dedication In regards to our future. I am past all of that now. I am tired of trying to explain decisons that WE made togther. I am sick of of explaining my actions in getting myself back to what I thought was OUR major goal. Most of  all, I am tired of being In this emotional LIMBO of not knowing what Is going to happen next.

I have resided to focus on the here and now. To Take It one day at a time. To work harder than ever to achieve a goal that should have never taken this much work to realize. Sadly enough, due to all the emotional scarring of late, I am now confused as to what I want for my future and If my wife should play a role. I am unsure that Its best to stay with someone that changes her mind more than I change underwear. I mean...Do I really want to engage In lifes challenges and strugles with someone who Is constantly questioning my will to suceed ? When I married I thought the person who was standing next to me said I DO...What ever happened to In sickness and In health ? What became of For Richer Or For Poorer ? Till Death Do Us Part ? Does'nt that mean anything anymore ?

I understand that the road we are traveling Is rocky and that the path Is unclear. I understand that It's hard enough trying not to capsize In these troubled waters we have somehow unknowingly drifted Into. My faith and belief In myself Is all that has ever gotten me through any hardships I have faced while others were so quick to doubt me. I never although, expected this form the person I walked down the asile with, hand in hand, heart to heart.

How can I achieve success, when my own wife does not see the bigger picture of stability and happiness in front of her. This may just be a dream...But It's MY dream to share If she would only fight along side me. We have a counseling session with my therapist on Wedensday. I am terrifed now of attending. Of what truths might come about from within her CONCERNS and my fustrations and wearriness. I now can't avoid the feelings of defeat when It comes to saving my marriage and plugging all the leaks In our love boat that seems destined to sink.

If you happen to be a spirtual person and are reading this....an extra prayer from the PEANUTS gallery....would be more than welcomed...GOOD GRIEF !!!!!!

I thought about coming on tonite and trying once again to sort through all emotional scarring and wounds inflicted on my soul over the past month or so. As of right now I just can't do it. I am now officially worn out emotionally and mentally from the battle that seems to me to be never ending at the moment. So Instead of blogging I jumped on my music download website and decided to seek comfort from other methods. Some one up stairs must be listening because I think I found the perfect song to express all this dissapointment, anger, fear, and fustration. Of how still through It all....I STILL love my wife more than when we first met. No matter what curveball she decides to throw at me next...I still need her more than ever. I need her laugh, her smile, her touch, her kindness, and most of all..I still need her In my life. So I thought I would share these beautiful lyrics with you If your Interested. It's a song by Chris Cornell. Former Lead singer of Sound Garden and current Singer of Audioslave. The Is the first Time I have done something like this..So Bear With me............

                                                            SUNSHOWER

                                                  Dark as roses, Fine as sand

                                                  Feel your healing and your sting again

                                                  I hear you laughing and my soul Is saved

                                                  On forgotten graves you cry

                                                  Crawl like Ivy up my spine

                                                  Through my neveres and Into my eyes

                                                  Cuts like anguish

                                                  or recollections of better days gone by

                                                  By It's alright

                                                  When you're caught In pain

                                                  And you feel the rain come down

                                                  It's alright

                                                  When you find your way

                                                  Then you see it disappear

                                                  It's alright

                                                 Though your garden's grey

                                                  I know all your graces

                                                  Someday will flower

                                                  In the sweet sunshower

                                                  Eyes like oceans so far away

                                                  A feather trail to a better way

                                                  Worried mornings turn into days

                                                  Then into worried nights

                                                  But It's alright

                                                  When your all in pain

                                                  And you feel the rain come down

                                                  Oh It's alright

                                                  When you find your way

                                                  Then you see It disappear

                                                  Oh It's alright

                                                  Though your garden's grey

                                                  I know all your graces

                                                  Someday will flower

                                                  Oh In the sweet sunshower

                                                  Oh In the sweet sunshower

                                                  In the sweet sunshower

                                                  I know all your graces

                                                  Someday will flower

                                                  In the sweet sunshower

                                                  And It's alright

                                                  All you'll be you are today

                                                  Are Today

                                                  It's alright

                                                 All you'll be you are today

                                                 Are today

                                                 Are today

                                                 Are today