These past few days have a definte bitter/sweet feel to them. I have made a ton of progress in regards to productive study time with school. Hell I even got an "A" on my last quiz, In a class that I was'nt suppossed to be In, If things had stayed the way they were.It feels great that I can finally put forth the effort that I started out with before all this Drama with my wife started. The best part about It Is that I'm not killing myself In the process.

The terrible reality of It all. Is that In keeping my ground with not quitting school, Is the VERY real possibilty of losing my marriage through all of this. I absolutely hate having to post message after meaasge regarding my marrital problems at the moment. But I can't escape the fear of losing the the most Important thing in my life. I try to pray every night that somehow God would lend me sign that I am doing the right thing In this very difficult situation. Sadly though, I am left with only my faith and belief, that things will work themselves out for the best. That by not giving up my dream ( For once in my young life) I wont be sacrificing a marriage that is deeply rooted in love and respect for each other.

Funny Isn't...How a marriage can be ROOTED in love and respect for each other. Yet here we are discussing Divorce and how were not on the same page anymore. How quickly the fingers are pointed at each other in accusation and defense. Things like " I'm not at your level" or " I can't handle all this pressure" are tossed around with out the fear of hurting the other. No anger In any of the statememnts being said. Just a lot of silent tense moments where the implication of losing the only person who made your heart laugh and your soul smile Is inevitable.

Funny... how such a horrible end as DIVORCE can be discussed with out tears or the expected emotional outburst. That a marriage so deeply rooted in the things you need to grow old with : Respect, Love, and Trust. Is being stretched to It's limits all because of the " Almighty Dollar ". I HATE you Mr. Washington. I LOATHE you Mr. Jefferson. I DESPISE you Mr.Franklin. I now know the true meaning behind the saying " Money Is the Root Of All Evil ".

Funny....How some couples seperate because there Is a lack of trust. Or that the flame has died. Or maybe the person you thought you married turned out to be a disrespectful and cheating jerk. I also now know the true meaning of envy. I would gladly trade my One small problem for all of those combined.because with Integrity and Honor you can regain Respect. With honesty and devotion you can  regain Trust With laughter and tears you can regain Love. A flame can always be Re-Lit.

Funny...how through all of this, there Is still a glimmer of hope. An Aluminum lining can be found even under our darkest rain clouds. I can now only hope that with some professional help and a little reward for all my faith and hard work. That somehow the tracks That this train of fear is riding on can be switched. That all the rain and clouds will disappear and a new bright day will emerge for my wife and I.

Funny Isn't.......NOT AT ALL.....GOOD GRIEF  !!!!! 

Well If you have taken the time out of your day to follow this blog.You would know that I am a full-time Respiratory Therapist Student at a local community college.Due to difficult financial circumstances and my wife's growing stress in dealing with them.You would know that I Initially decided to put school on hold and take a job with a local school district as a sub-custodian.My Intent was to get through the remainder of my morning classes and reserve a spot for myself next year.After long consideration, I then decided to switch my afternoon class to the morning In an attempt to save my financial aid status for next fall.

I knew from the begining that decison would be a difficult one to carry through, considering I was attending classes in the morning and going directly to work from there until midnight each evening.Something Inside of me said that I could handle It.The exhaustion and the lack of available study time.That I would by some miracle of God, get enough studying In to pass all my classes.

Well after a week filled with no sleep, anxiety, and fustration. I have decided to scrap that Idea. As much as I want to do whats best for my wife and to somehow keep her periods of depression and anxiety about our financial situation and future to a minimum. I just can not keep up at this pace. It's KILLING me to do so. With all the lost sleep I have become very Iritable and unpleasnt to deal with. Not to mention the fact that my grades are suffering and I am worried about not PASSING at all.

The last time I attempted such a monumental feat of educational superority.  I ended up being dissmissed from the program I was attending and setting our goals for our future and my education back a year and a half. While I absolutely do not wish to make this all about myself. I still must think of my future happiness at any costs...Inculding the possibility of losing my marriage. I have to be selfish right now because If I am not, I fear eventual disaster down the road. How can I be a loving husband to my wife If I resent her for not finishing school. It just wont happen.

This had been bulding up all last week but due to my stubborn ways, I kept telling myself that I was just having a hard time adjusting to my new schedule. That I would be able to catch up on my studies on the weekend. Well the weekend came and I was so exhausted from three hours of sleep every night that I slept it away. And when I did attempt to study,  I just could'nt focus on the MOUNTAIN of material In front of me. I could'nt prioritize the material I was to prepare myself with. I eventually froze up from all the pressure I had placed on myself.

That leads me to today. It was my first clinical vist and It just so happened to be at St. John Hosiptial. The very Hospital I attended Radiology School. The very program that kicked me out due to politics and my struggle with the department heads to keep my job. Interdepartment Poltics.Thats another post for another day. So there I am on my visit when who do I run into...The Program Director for the school of Radiology. Thats right.. The look on her face alone would have made even you p*ss your pants. The very arrogance of her..as if to say WHY are You Here ???  I cant express the amount of pride that I felt In telling that old hag I was on my clinical vist for Respiratory.

Then after that I who do I see plodding her way down the hall...My former department supervisor...The old bitty that put all those disparging and untrue remarks on my employee file...Making it mission Impossible to get re-hired there. Once again..the look on her face..as If to say..I KNOW YOU'RE NOT HERE FOR ORIENTATION. I chose not to say a word this time in fear of doing bodily harm to this woman of malice.

When I returned home after my visit. Fresh with excitement about my new carrer. I realized something. It hit me like a ton of bricks, knocking the excitement and wind out of me. If I continue on with this futile attempt to finish school while working. I wont succeed. I wont pass this semester. Hell I won't pass any classes thus rendering my " Spot " for next year non-existant. I started to feel the depression and anxiety creep over me and almost take control. I started to see visions of myself, pushing a broom and sanatizing toliets for the rest of my natural life.

Right then and there I told myself that I will not let these people win. That God had put me in this position, In this PROGRAM for a reason!! Im pretty sure It was'nt to give up and take the easy road just to aleviate my wifes concerns. I know that It was'nt to give her a way out of facing her demons with anxiety about money and our future. I could'nt let those factors control my future anymore. So I decided to myself that I was going to resign my position and tell those guys to take their brooms and shove them straight their asses.

The only problem left was to discuss this with my wife. I was very unsure at first, If I should even tell her at all and just lie for as long as I could. Just lie to her until I got that job at the local hospital that my Instuctor had told me about. Just lie and everything would be ok. What she did'nt know would'nt hurt her right. Well after all those thoughts of being untruthful had recked havoc in my mind. I decided to do the right thing and tell her the truth. I told her I how I felt and my concerns about my educational future and the lack thereof If I did'nt stop what I was doing.

I told her how much that I loved her and appreciated her efforts and hard work. I told her that this was killing me. I tried my best to make this an " US " decison but even she knew that this was solely mine to make. She agreed with me and said that she would do all she could in handling the situation better this time.She could not however gaurntee that her previous concerns would be held in check...so to speak.

So now I am praying for the strength to focus my mind and come out of this thing sucessful. I am now putting all my faith in the saying that God helps those that help themselves. I just hope I am doing the right thing and that God did not Intend for me to give up a foolish dream..For the sake of my marriage..I HOPE I'M RIGHT...GOOD GREIF

I recieved a few messages about my most recent RANT on how I believe the christmas we all know and love has been stolen away from us by corporate America.To clear things up for them: Clearence was George Baily's Gaurdian Angel in It's A Wonderful Life. At the end of that movie Clearence writes an encouraging message to George tucked inside the cover of The Adentures Of Tom Sawyer.That message reads:No man is a failure as long as he has friends.The second reference at the end of my blog pertains to A Charlie Brown Christmas.Charlie is given the job of directing the gangs christmas play and finding the perfect Christmas Tree.Charlie would like to buy a natural tree for the play.The gang however wants a gaudy fake tree.In Charlie's attempt to do his part, he gets fustrated and asks the true meaning of Christmas.Linus responds with the story of the birth of Jesus Christ in a mainger. Well there it Is....I hope that may helped clear up any confusion you might have had. Thanks for reading and responding to my blog

While I was driving home from work this evening.Closely watching the road and my temper( Yes I road Rage).I started to notice something.Other than the fact that the roads were Icey, slick, and that It was colder than a polar bear's nut sac outside ( 21 degrees).I made my way home from another exhausting day of school and work.I started to notice, as each house rolled slowly by, that Home owners had started to put out their Christmas decorations.First, it was a small nativeity set. The next, a few lighted reindeer with a santa.Then, a bigger nativeity set with some lighted reindeer. Then an even BIGGER one with reindeer, a sliegh, and an inflated santa so TALL  that It would have eclipsed the Empire State Buliding..

As I continued on my journey home.Screaming obsentities and flipping off every jackass doing 90, cause they thought that new " Mustang " came with 4 wheel drive. I started to realize... in between Hail Mary's and @#%!! Yous...That Coporate America has stolen The true meaning and spirt of christmas.Yes kiddies It's true....All of Santa's reindeer have mad cow, the elfs are on strike,Whoville is now a ghetto,Mr. Potter has foreclosed on The Bailey Bulding and Loan, Mrs Claus ran off with that guy who drives that SWEET new sliegh made by Mercedes, and Santa has OD'D on Cyanide cookies and milk cause he can't find a market for all his handmade wooden toys.Yes these are troubling times Indeed. Now Is the time of Re-Mortaging the house, Maxing out the credit cards, and working a billion hours of overtime just so you can wake up at three in the #$%!!  morning to battle the Hoards of soon to be " Chapter 11 " cases at WallMart. Just so you can get your hands on that last :" Tickle me Elmo " doll at 10 % off. It all makes me want to PUKE

I can remember a time when christmas was about family, friends, and faith.When I was a kid we did'nt have much growing up.My dad was usually short of money and gifts.We did'nt let the lack of material THINGS affect our spirts though.Why you would ask ? Because we knew the true meaning of christmas was not " What " or how much you got under the tree ( When We Had One). It was about being thankful for your family and the blessings you recieved from God all year. Sometimes we would even get all bundled up and head out into the bitter cold to sing Slient Night and Jingle bells. Most of the time we were Invited in for some warm hot chocolate or a few laughs ( If you heard me sing Slient Nihgt You Would Laugh Too) with the families in our neighborhood.We always left with a smile and a few dollars in our pockets to buy some small gift for ourselves.We were able to do this because families STILL got together then...No mattter how tramuatized they would eventually become.Because they celebrated Jesus and each other.

Someone has broken through the bars on our windows and doors, bypassd the alarm on our home, and stolen our " Who Hash " and " Roast Beast". And I know for certain that It sure as HELL was'nt the Grinch.Who do I blame for this Holiday Injustice ? I blame the Entertainment Industry and the Money hungry CEO's of coporate America thats who. It's disgusting to me that we live in a society of reality Television.Where the lives of rich, shallow,spoiled roten brats, who drive around in their " Mommy's and Daddy's " Porches and benzes all day. Spending anywhere from $500-$1000 dollars on a single pair of JEANS are glorified, without hesitation .All the while there are hundreds of thousands of starving familes who will be living on the streets, in inadequate clothing, as we revel in the throws of the " CASH COW " formerlyknow as Christmas.Where The " DONALD " makes Thousands off the catch pharse " Your Fired " While making a mockery of the thousands of Auto workers who are being " FIRED " every day.Where is Susan Powter to " Stop The Insanity" when we truly need her.

I don't know about you...But I don't think that any Inspiring message from "CLARENCE " discreately tucked inside the cover of " Tom Sawyer" or Any heartfelt speech by LINUS. About a homeless family, expecting a child, with no shelter, forced to stay in a mainger for the night. Is gonna save us now. Charles Schultz must be rolling over in his grave......Good Grief !!!!

I'ts funn what a little sleep...and I MEAN  little..and 24 hours can do for you.I can only compare my moods within the last 24 hours to Michigan weather. Wait five minutes and it will change.I am too excited to write this blog tonite..I actually have goosebumps as I type.

As I shut off my computer last night, I was feeling like all hope was lost regarding my situation with school and my wife.I felt as though I had been defeated in my attempt to remain in the PROGRAM.When I awoke this morning, I had to fight with myself just to get out of bed.Those bad voices we all hear in our times of struggle, were still haunting me as I slammed my fist on the snooze button for the last time.Even as I made my to the shower,the voices repeatedly screamed in my ear ' Why are we doing this' and ' it does'nt matter if you go to class anymore' .

Then suddenly a smaller voice started to ask "How bad do you want it".As I started to answer that question the voice continued to grow and grow until I felt as if I was engaged in a screaming match with my Uncle from when I was in high school.Then out of nowhere, something changed within me and cleared the voices and demons away. I started to feel more determined about making it to class today, no matter how tired I was.

When I got to school,my program director pulled me aside to see how I was doing and to offer some encouragement towards finishing the semester.My program director ACTUALLY how it would be a shame for me not to finish and how the profession would be losing a Great therapist.I almost choked on my bagel. I could'nt believe it !! If you knew her personality and her strictly by the book,unemotional approach to educating, you would have inhaled your coffee too.

As we talked more about the situation she informed how the other instructors had voiced their concern about losing me as a student and leader in the classroom.Me a leader in the classroom !! One more comment like that and I would have needed the HIEMLACH maneuver for sure.For some strange reason my instuctor informed me that so many classmates had failed their performance evaluations that a new eval was needed.

Then that small screaming voice from this morning began screaming again." Hey you dolt, ask if you can reschedule yours too". I had previously missed this evaluation due to my new job and the circustances that created it.So I listened to that little drill sargent in my head and followed orders.To my surprise I was given the green light.

Then the light bulb finally turned on.Lets push the envelope a little more.Why not switch to the morning class.What have you got to lose other than that  " F" you've already submitted to?Unforunately for me there are no morning classes for the lecture class. DAMN!! Once again my own personal drill instructor screamed at me " reschedule the remainder of your tests for the morning Pig Vomit". So I asked and once again recieved the green light.

My only problem now was to figure out a way to get the notes.Enter Rhonda.Rhonda is a friend who willing offered to not only provide notes but to tape the lectures as well. By this time not only was I choking on my coffee but my gratatude as well.I started to feel as if I still had a fighting chance to finish all my classes this semester and not put my self into financial aide default.

Then as if sent by God, My Physiochemistry instructor showed up with potential good news. He pulled me aside and informed me that his employer would have an opening soon and wanted to know if I might be interested? WOULD I BE INTERESTED??? I would give my left arm for a chance to get back into a hospital setting.Now the pieces were starting to fall into place regarding what I needed to do. Ace my remaining exams while continuing to work at the District and pray the lord rewards my hard work with a job at the hospital.

If all these pieces somehow could fall into place.I can contitnue to stay in school, work at the hospital, and tell the District to shove their brooms straight up their ASSES.What JOY AND Rapture to have hope.Wait  a minute...I still have'nt informed my wife of my high risk plan.

To my disappointment my wife did not sound to pleased.She was highly skeptical of my abillity to work full time and try to complete all of my classes.Not to mention her relief regarding our finances since I took this job and dedcided to put school on hold. Here I am telling her that I've changed my mind.What a selfish A-HOLE I am to put me first.How could I do this to her?

The only person being selfish was her and you had better believe I pointed that out.After going back and fourth with her.Having her hang up on me several times.She called me back unexpectedly and told me that she supported  and loved me no matter what.I love my wife but I can't make her happy if I am miserable all the time and I think that she realized that too.

So heres to not going down without a fight.I have done that too many times in my short but long life.Thank god for those little drill instructors inside us all that push us to achieve our dreams and maybe a little self satisfaction along the way.I can only now pray that God will grant me the strength to be strong and to remain this determined until this semester is finished.A little sleep along the way would be great to.....Good Grief