The motivation for my post today comes from a close and friend and author on this site. This Author's..who shall remain anonomous...posted a message today that touched me to the core of my beliefs of myself and my spirtually. I am begining to think that maybe alot of folks might get something out of thoughts regarding the message In that post...This was my response to that author..No sugar coating..No pep talk..Just what I believe to be the truth for me regarding my faith...And others....So without futher adue....

First off let me tell you alittle about my father. My father has had mental Issues all his life and I even think some of those maybe Bi-polar related.  My father was GREAT In the aspect that he loved his children very deeply and tried his best to do whatever HE was capable of, to take care of us. I can remember nights when I was In elementary school. My dad would wake me up at 11:00 pm and sometimes even 12:00am to watch The PTL Club. I'm not sure If you remember good old Jimmy and Tammy Fae Baker or not but Maybe their catch pharse song '' Faith for miracles'' might ring a bell for you....''Faith For Miracles we got a miracle working God..A Miracle....Working....God''...Anyways..My dad would get me up to watch these shows with him. I never understood why at the time but looking back on It now. I seem to recall that He would send a donation EVERY week to this organization. Why ??...Maybe he was hoping for a miracle ??...Maybe he was fighting through some of his own demons??...Or maybe he just thought,  that If he sent money In to this Faith based organization. That Jesus would somehow view him as a  BETTER  Christian...and all the things he wanted for his life ..God would grant him....

Now let me tell you alittle about my experince with the Catholic Church. I was raised Catholic mainly by my grandmother and father ( dad mostly supplied the HOLLY ROLLER angle to things ). I can remember going to church with my grandmother on Saturdays. The majority of the time we would sit alone, none of the other parshioners would converese with my grandmother. It made me always feel alittle uneasy and uncomfortable and I can't Imagine how It made grandma feel. The one thing that I noticed the most was that, no Matter how much these ''So-Called'' Catholics knew about the bible or clamied to understand the words or message that God was  trying to get across to It's followers. They were ''MISSING'' the point. love thy neighbor as you would love me. Feed and clothe thy neighbor as you would me ( granted I am not attempting to quote the bible here just some of my understanding of It). These people, for the life of them,  could'nt understand the basic message that we all should try to be giving and non-judgemental to everyone. I would watch these Ignorant, arrogant,  ASSES talking amongst themselves....In thier sundays best....which we could never afford to wear with 2 months worth of my grandmthers social security.....while we sat In the back.. ...not a word said to us the whole time.

Now let me tell you alittle more about my faith and relationship with God. When I was younger, I would attend mass about every other week. Confession now that's an embarssing statistic That Im only comfortable with God knowing....My point Is ...that although I did'nt attend mass every Sunday or that I could'nt even recite all the prayers and schpell that goes along with It. I have never once felt that Jesus or God for that matter, did not love and accept me for who I was or that He did'nt want a relationship with me because I was not ''CHOIR-BOY of the Year''. My relationship with Jesus and God has always been a source of strenghth for me. It just always seems to be amplified In troubling times.

Now back to my father. Years have gone by for him slowly. He has been In and out of prison and never has gotten the the type of mental help he has desperately needed all these years. Basically he has become a Bitter, Broken, and Malicious man. He likes to blame anyone and everything for the reasons that his life Is the way It Is. But what Is even worse for him Is that he CURSES God and Jesus for never turning things around FOR him. It happens to be one of the most horrific sights I have ever seen. I was always afraid that someday I would turn out just like him. Feeling that the Lord was unhappy with me or that I was'nt good enough In his eyes, so now my life Is cursed...as he would put It.

The moral of my post to you and to all. I believe that God already knows what type of relationship he Is going to have with Us and what type of relationship we are capable of having with him...That Is...If we want It. I beleive that Jesus or God has placed no REQUIREMENTS on his love for each and every one of us. I don't expect that just because you can quote scripture all day long but not truly understand the meaning of being good to yourself and others, will get you and automatic hall pass...past Gabriel...Into the gates of heaven. Nor do I believe that just because you don't understand every passage written In the Bible but are a Good loving person to others, automatically puts you on the elevator that only goes down to hell and not back up. And lastly...I strongly believe that just because you have malice In your heart for people that have hurt you. It does'nt make you a MONSTER...just HUMAN. Remember this....Malice while harmfull and unhealthy for the soul and If left unchecked can and WILL destroy you (see my father) Is still a part of being Human....God made us this way for a reason. God gave us the ability to feel hurt, Pain, anger, joy, and happiness to seperate us from all others that have not been blessed with the capacity to experince these emotions.

Emotions...they are what they are...they're what makes us kind, loving, and giving of ourselves. They are also what makes us capable of spite, anger, bitterness, and most Importantly MALICE. If you wish to hold yorself to a higher spirtual standard and Pick yourself apart because you don't have a high enough ladder to reach those goals....so be It. Thats your choice, your decision and I will not attempt to change your mind...But If you want a dose of reality..then here goes..EVERYONE has been hurt and scarred emotionaly to the point that they have Malice In thier hearts. It does'nt make you a MONSTER to have malicious feelings...what makes you a Monster Is not recongnizing them and leaving them there,  to suck all the joy and happiness out of your soul and heart...leaving you a BITTER and BROKEN person In the End......Just Ask My Dad...Good Grief !!!

Peace and Hair Grease..

~cb~