I Don't have much time tonight for blogging, so this post should be relativity short In lenghth. After laying it all on the line at the end of the last semester and coming out victorious for ONCE In my life. I started to believe that I had evicted all self doubt from my block, thus removing It from the neighborhood which Is my life. After starting classes this week and already feeling overloaded with work. Somehow unbeknownst to me, self doubt has moved It's way back Into the nieghborhood and Is wreaking  HAVOC  on my neighborhood watch program as we speak. Except this time not only has this demon moved back Into the neighborhood...It has moved In right next store..refusing to take out the trash and mow the lawn.

I really hate posting a message about my self doubt on my blog today. There are so many other topics that are more worthy of mention..i.e...The celebration of Doctor King's Legacy. Here was a man, who against all odds from outside his race and within, was able to speak for his race with such compassion and Integrity. Lifting his people past oppression to the opportunities they enjoy today...which should have been there all along. Oh did I forget to mention that this wonderful man accomplished all of this without the threat or action of violence..while threats of violence were made against him and his families lives all time. Eventually It would be the action of violence that would take his life and take away from the american people, a great leader and a great man for ALL  men to look to for a source of courage and Inspiration when facing tryany and Injustice.

When I think of my battle with my self-esteem and self- doubt. Today especially, I look to that courage and Integrity, to provide some sort of Inspiration or motivation, In fighting the battles that I face from within, and take comfort In knowing that one day I too  will be '' Free At Last '' from the demons that have been my oppressor for all theese years.

I am In no WAY comparing my struggle with that faced by the African Americans...

With that being said...Just think about It for a moment....I wont ask you to think about It on a cultural or racial level either..Just think about all the Pure hatred and MALICE ...there Is that ugly word again....not only wished upon these peoples but acted upon them as well..All the chaos and uncertanity surrounding those circumstances of Dr. King's and his people's journey to equality and salvation...Boy talk about the unshakeable faith and belief In your self that Is required to embark on  and lead a Journey of that magnitude. A journey that sadly has not yet been fully realized...Although others will bury their heads In the sand and chose to get lost In the smoke, that Is blown up all our asses, about the current state of racial equity In our society Today.

What does all this have to do with my feelings of helplessness today ?? Im not sure to be honest. All I know Is that these feelings are back to haunt my subconcious and paralyze my motivation to succeed with predetermined thoughts of unwarranted failure. I keep telling myself to look at my recent accomplishments as some sort of evidence in making these feelings and thoughts of failure Invalid. But just like my therapist points out '' It takes more than one week of medication and counseling  to put the wheels of mental progress In motion''. It also took one woman's REFUSAL to give up her seat at the front of the bus and one man's DREAM  to start a cultural revolution of progress.

Dr. Martin Luther King had a dream for himself and his people. Well I have a dream too. A dream of a successful carrer, a family, and a house on a tree lined street. With a white picket fence and a dog named Snoopy running In the yard. My demons will tell me that this dream Is unattainable...Well all It took was one man to start the march of a MILLION....And If you sign my pettion today...maybe one day we ALL can march together towards progress emotionally and mentally In all our lives....Good Grief..

Peace and Hair Grease,

~CB