Well here we go again....just another beautiful day in the dysfunctional neighborhood.My wifes talking the '' D'' word again, my fears of failure with work and school are escalating, and Im up at 3:30 in the morning on day full of quizes and exams...Good Grief...If Mr. Rogers lived In my nieghborhood he would be trading in his ''Wing Tips and Sweater Vest '' for Combat Boots and a flack jacket....Im quite conifident that Mr. Rogers ate a handfull of Valium before starting his morning show. Then again we never did see a Misses Rogers now did we...Hmmm that says It all.

The last time I posted a message on this wonderfull site. I spoke of an old dear friend that helped me through a lot of bull pucky and keep my sanity at the same time.Boy I long for those days now. After my last post..Once again for some starnge reason my wife went off the deep end. I just can't figure out what are triggering these episodes for her. Since the last time we saw the marriage counselor, things had gotten better. I was working on following through with tasks that I would start..One of her major complaints..as well as focusing on my job at the hospital and concentrating on my studies. All was well....Or so I thought.

Just last weekend...my wife started to freak again about our future and how she was unhappy with the path we were taking. I thought i was doing everything within my control to keep up my end of our bargain. I think what set her off this time was the fact that I had not been back to my counselor right away....Actually It has been about a month...but I can say that this was out of my control. My therapist was out of the office for a week.....Then I had to work 52 hours the next week....and after that i did'nt recieve my schedule until the week after that...I mean seriously..how can I schedule appointment If Im not sure I can keep It. These I thought were all valid reasons to me....Not to my wife though...they were excuses.

Maybe Im nuts....but I don't see how she could feel that everything was going to..or Is going to change within a few months. To me, my visits with my therapist are not the Issue here. What the Issue Is for me Is her emotional state and her state of mind. I mean just before christmas I was ready to recieve my gifts from Santa at the local shelter....then all of a sudden her attiude and feelings changed about our situation. I kew that It was a quick turnaround for us..but i just wanted things to get back to normal..I just wanted the woman that I love to stay In my life so bad... that I did'nt bring up my doubts about her new found support of our '' FUTURE ''. Things have been going so well that I started to believe that none that was real...that I had mysteriously entered the TWILIGHT zone or something and It was all a bad hangover Induced dream.

How wrong I was.....Its the same old complaints except this time my wife can say that I haven't made a viable effort to save our marriage. You know the working part...the part that she was sooooo stressed out about...how I wasn't carring my weight...well now that I am It does'nt matter...Now the Important thing Is my ''so-called'' lack of committment to my therapy.I just don't get it. Right now, to be honest with everone, I need her emotional support more than ever. I a starting to doubt my skills at work and If I am justifing my position there. Honestly I should'nt be working in my feild at this point...and Im starting to feel just abit over my head. Not only that but sbhool Is much more Intense this semester...hence me being up at this time of the morning.

When It comes to school...the one thing I AM sure of....Im starting to fel out of place. None of the other students are willing to study with me....dont know if Its because they think Im stupid or if its because Im a man in a program full of women. Even the one person that I could study with last semester Is giving me the cold shoulder. Lying about when and who she Is studying with.That just feels terrible....@#$%^ THEM then...I dont need there help. And you better believe when it comes the time for clinicals...If im still employed where I am....I WILL NOT HELP THEM...I dont know..Im usually not this bitter...but what can I say ?? Thing are going down the toliet again and this time theres no @#$ paper to pull myself out with...The Roll Is empty lol.

Maybe It Is me ? maybe I need to rededicate myself to being a better husband for my wife. Altough I dont know where I would start...not that Im perfect but....I give quite alot of emotional support to her and I am always thinking of her first....Well I think It's time to end this one...Im not really myself this morning...The coffee Is wearing out and Im fresh out of wheaties...time for bed.Wish me luck...Once I need It....Good Grief !!!!!!!!!