Well... another therapy session with Dr. Boardwalk has come and gone. Although I feel that these sessions have given me a greater Insight as to who I am and how I got there. I just feel like All the Anti-depressants and ADHD medication In the world cant help me shake the feeling that were not getting to the core of my Issues and only just scratching the surface.

Don't get me wrong...Dr. Boardwalk has helped me work through and discover things that I probably would have never realized about myself without are sessions. He has, In just a short period of time, helped me discover my problem with ADHD. Something I am quite sure I would have never figurerd out on my own. He has helped Imensely In regards to me and my wife and the Issues that were threatening certain marrital doom. I give this man all the credit and respect In the world when it comes to these subjects.

There is only ONE  problem with all of that.....Im not sure If all this miraculous change within me Is due to our therapy or If It Is due to eventual, yet certain, maturation. This Is where the subject of my therapy and my continuation of It gets alittle hazy. My mind and my subconscious are at war this very Instant about this topic. My clear and  ''thoughful'' mind Is continously reminding me of all the good that has come out of these sessions of understanding and Insight into the ''What'' and the ''WHO'' the man Charlie Brown Is today.

At the same time though, my ''Inter Tution'' ( clever huh ) Is screaming at the top of my lungs that these changes were eventually bound to happen and that Is was only a matter of time and the right circumstances ( theres that damn word again ) for this process to take place. Now I know that this sounds somewhat PYSCHOTIC, that something Inside my cerebrum has snapped...blown a fuse...or maybe the power has been turned off and my SHUTOFF notice from DTE got lost In the mail. Bear with me If you will and I will try to explain this as best as I can.

My whole life I always knew, one way or another, that I would be behind the rest of the pack due to family conditions growing up. Thats not to say that I blame all my problems...or any for that matter on my family and there ''Manson esqe'' way of dealing with life and how to survive In It. I JUST KNEW that If I ever wanted to get ahead In this '' Dog eat Dog '' world that we live In today...I would have to take matters Into my own hands. I knew that tools to having a successful and stable life in my future could not be found In our run down tool shed out In the backyard.I also knew...Unfortunately....That the direction and guidance of a loving mother or father, were lost to my sister and I minutes after our births.

All though I knew that all these odds were against me as started to make my way Into adulthood...I also knew that I was'nt going to accecpt them. During my short life...I have tried my DAMNDEST to put myself Into a better place then the one I left so many years ago. I have pushed myself to my limted limits...only to fail time and time again. Some would say, the cause of that failure can easily be traced to back to my family, how and what they tauhgt me growing up. ''College Is for rich people'' or '' A factory job that has a Union Is what you need to do'' my uncle would try to hammer Into my skull over and over again. Thankfully for me something Inside of me would not accecpt that ( maybe that Inter Tution I spoke of earlier ). I felt that I could do something special with my life. I was just never showed how to accomplish It.

I will admit though, that the lack of guidance In this arena has slowed this progression down quite a bit. I wil also admitt to the fact I have just plain SCREWED some opportunities up along the way. I had allowed myself to fall victim to uncontrollable circumstance. I compare It winning a championship In sports. You have to take your bumps and brusies along the way...but once you get close to your goal...your dream if you will...so close that you can taste it. You will do and risk anything to accomplish that dream. I firmly believe that without this process champions would never be crowned.

So what does all this JIBERISH have to do with my doubts of therapy you scream ?? Well I think It has alot to do with It. You see...I was so close to accomplishing stabilty In my future with Radiology school that I could tatse It. I hads finally found the field that I thought I do some wonderful things In. Then to have It RIPPED away unfairly over some Inner department B@#$ was the worse...Yet BEST thing that could have happened to me. It made me take a long hard look at my charcter...and you know what ? I did'nt like what I saw. I did'nt like the feeling that I did'nt do enough to make that dream mine

So when faced with that same set of circumstances last year...the choice of sacrificing my dream for saving my marriage ( or so I thought ). I did'nt allow doubt and circumstance to make that decison for me. I fought tooth and nail to to get to where I am today...still In school...stil chasing that dream....and quite frankly ...running away with it with ease. That challenge at the end of last year also helped me realized that there was alot of work to be done, If I wanted to be the man, that was never around for me while I was growing up. A man who Is respected at work and at home. A loving father and husband. A man whom has the '' On -Star '' of life at fingertips so his children never get lost In the pack.

So now I ask of you...the readers of this '' EPIC '' post....what do you think ?? I honestly believe that It Is a combination of both. I now know what It feels like to be successfull In achieveing your goals...But I also know that the scars of misguidance and self doubt run deep. I have never experinced this type of self confidence before In my life. I have to say that It feels GREAT. I also know that If I wish to continue on this path I need to trow away the '' Back-Scratcher ''  and start digging deep....Because Only through self belief, self love, and Inner peace can great things be achieved....And I was INTENDED for great things.....we all were....Good Grief...