After looking over my recent messages pertaining to my last post. I guess I kinda left you all a bit confused as to what my next move would be regarding my future with therapy and Dr. Boardwalk. I will try now to clear up all the hazziness and fog surrounding that Issue. I was feeling confused as to the benefit Iwas recieveing from my sessions of therapy. I knew that I was making strides forward In my life sinceI started attending those wonderfull meetings. My only concern was that I felt like the strides I was making, were strides I would have made on my own.....Eventually.

I have never, In all my life, lacked In the drive or determination department when It came to my will to succeed. I have always made strides...now that I think about It. Forward or back, side to side, left to right, etc..etc..etc..Movement has been my middle name not matter which direction you wish to speak of. Just take a look at my resume and you will know what I mean. All though you may have to clear up a year out of your life to read It all. Im not kidding.... ''The Dead Sea Scrolls'' Is a short story when compared to my resume. If I remember correctly.... I worked as a carpenter's apprentice under this guy named Noah...Until he started hearing these voices and had this crazy Idea about buliding an Arc for this wicked thunderstorm that was on the horizon. Ok...I emblished a little...But you get my drift.

So back to what I was saying...Drive, determination, and the pursuit of happiness has never been my problem. What I am finally starting to discover Is that my problem...although I dont like to admit It...does not lie In making making strides forward. My problem Is finishing. There I said It.... This post Is finished and Im going to bed.....Ok so Im not actually going to bed.....but this Is a touchy subject for me.. that has many twists and turns and I fear that just one post on this subject will not give It It's full credit as to why and how I got to this point In the first place. So I will try with all my might to make this post as short and to the point as possible.

I have now and have always had a problem with finishing what I started. From job to job, trade to trade, and one carrer opportunity to the next. Instead of focusing on why so many missed opportunities have either slipped through my fingertips or fallen through cracks. I have always focused on moving on, Forwards or backwards, It did not matter to me. As long as there was movement. I had grown up this way all my life. From one household to the next, trying to find that silver lining everyone kept telling me about. It's difficult to examine the clouds above you though, when your stuck In the never ending  '' Downpour '' That Is your every day life.

Instead of taking the time, to take a step back, and really examining why this pattern was becoming a staple In my life. I would just blow these missed opportunities off and deflect the blame on everyone and every circumstance I could get my hands on. It was easy. At that point In time In my life I could start a job on Monday, quit on Tuesday, and be collecting  a paycheck from my next employer on Friday. I was a young, Clean-cut, Intelligent, and charasmatic kid, Who knew what to say and when to say It. My Interviewing skills at the time were top notch. While most people would get anxious, nervous, or just downright sick dreading that '' Hour of scrunity ''. I on the other hand was as cool as a cucumber...What does It mean to be '' As Cool As A Cucumber '' anyway...I absolutely lived for that hour. I didn't have to worry about a wife or a family, I only had to worry about selling me.

So what does all this have to do with my therapy ?? This Is what I think.... Although I have for years... Failed miserablly at making the transition from that young , Intelligent , clean-cut kid stuck doing a never ending '' River Dance '' to a mature and stable adult. It never dawned on me that all the circumstance and misfortune was not generated by unforgiving fate. But was In fact, generated by my lack of guidance and my Inabillity to take all of those misguided strides, the ones to the left or to the right, to the front and to the back, put them In a straight line, and make a sprint towards the finish line.

 That...My friends...Is the benefit of my therapy. Im sure that the undiagnosed A.D.D. had some role to play In all my misguided steps along the way. How much ?? I'm not sure at this point. However at this time I refuse to assign some sort unreliable percentage to It. I fear In doing so will somehow diminsh all the progress that I have made In accepting mine and my parents accountabillity In my development. Circumstance what a @#$$%^ excuse of a word. I have decided to remove '' Circumstance '' from my vocabulary and replace It with accountabillity. Finally....after all these years.... and all the misdirection.... learning how to cross the finish line. It FEELS GREAT !!!  Maybe with some more help from Dr. Boardwalk not only will I cross the finish line.......But finally cross GO and collect my 200 dollars....GOOD GRIEF !!!